Unreasonable Dread...and weekend antics

I have these mornings. Where my chest feels tight and I can't breathe very well and I can feel the tears making their way up from deep in my chest. I can't explain it. I try not to judge it. I just try and relax and ride it out. This is what I'm being treated for. With the drugs.

What's most maddening is the fear. Unreasonable and unexplained. The trigger is even more infuriating. A guy. A stupid guy. A guy who in my head I know had no idea how good he had it and left anyway. His absence is inexplicably tied to all of this. Although, I'm sure something else would have brought it on had it not been him.

I've been isolated lately. It wears on my friends. They don't know what to do with me. They don't understand that I'm scared to leave the house sometimes. I fear feeling afraid in public which then exacerbates the fear. And I run around in THAT hamster ball for a while.

Mornings like these I feel crazy. Absolutely batshit insane.
Just keep breathing...

In other news... updates from the weekend...

Industry parties are always interesting. You walk around and look around with that same "who should I be talking to?" look everyone else is sporting. Inevitably, everyone gets too drunk to care at a certain point and then it's time to leave before you say something about your last boss to the wrong person, or find yourself making out on the stairs with a co-worker. There's always a moment for me. A switch that goes off that says "I gotta get out of here." So... I get on the Subway and get my ass home.

The dressing room at the theatre I'm working at right now has got to be one of the most disgusting, vomit inducing spaces I have ever had to endure. I've issued a formal complaint that as I don't feel like contracting Ebola any time soon, I'd appreciate it if the theatre would do something about it. As this is NOT a Union house, I'm sure they'll jump right to.

I also did laundry.

/end of line.