Films That No Child Should Ever See
In honor of today, I go to the Way-Back Machine and list all the films I saw as an unsupervised youth, and the resulting neuroses. Join me, won't you?
In no particular order...
Amityville Horror.
I was probably 6 or 7. It was on TV. Flies freaked me out for years. I also cannot look at Dutch Colonial homes without flashes of that window coming down on that kid's hands or those goddamned red eyes. Seriously.
Psycho
No showers for WEEKS. I'm not kidding. I'd wash my hair in the sink.
Jaws
In addition to an unhealthy obsession with Sharks, I no longer swim in the ocean.
Pirranah
In addition to a lesser yet still unhealthy obsession with pirranahs, I no longer swim in any naturally occurring body of water.
Alligator
This fucking movie. Seriously. I honestly think that the makers of horror back in the day wanted to completely wipe out any human desire to swim.
I have a hard time swimming in pools at night.
C.H.U.D
Steered clear of sewers for a long goddamned time.
Halloween
Ok, this one freaked my shit out so badly that the NEXT MORNING I was afraid to get out of bed. My brother had to come in and tell me it was ok. I STILL have nightmares about this son of a bitch.
The Time Bandits
Fucking YES I consider this horror. Why? Midgets. Midgets and DEAD PARENTS. I don't give a shit whether his parents were evil. When you're a 7 year old with already-existing abandonment issues and you see a kid watch his parents fucking BLOW THE FUCK UP after he begs them NOT to touch the goddamned rock- the movie goes from kitchy sci-fi to all out horror. Immediately. Don't even get me started on those nightmares. And worse? MY FATHER TOOK ME TO SEE THIS IN THE THEATER.
No. You know what? I'm freaking myself out right now.
Fucking horror movies. And Fuck You, Babysitters for watching this crap while I was awake!
Just Fuck You.
Tune in next time when I list all the inappropriate films Dad took me to see.
Nothing says a good night sleep like a waking up in the middle of the massacre scene during a midnight showing of Gandhi.
I think I've had too much coffee today.
In no particular order...
Amityville Horror.
I was probably 6 or 7. It was on TV. Flies freaked me out for years. I also cannot look at Dutch Colonial homes without flashes of that window coming down on that kid's hands or those goddamned red eyes. Seriously.
Psycho
No showers for WEEKS. I'm not kidding. I'd wash my hair in the sink.
Jaws
In addition to an unhealthy obsession with Sharks, I no longer swim in the ocean.
Pirranah
In addition to a lesser yet still unhealthy obsession with pirranahs, I no longer swim in any naturally occurring body of water.
Alligator
This fucking movie. Seriously. I honestly think that the makers of horror back in the day wanted to completely wipe out any human desire to swim.
I have a hard time swimming in pools at night.
C.H.U.D
Steered clear of sewers for a long goddamned time.
Halloween
Ok, this one freaked my shit out so badly that the NEXT MORNING I was afraid to get out of bed. My brother had to come in and tell me it was ok. I STILL have nightmares about this son of a bitch.
The Time Bandits
Fucking YES I consider this horror. Why? Midgets. Midgets and DEAD PARENTS. I don't give a shit whether his parents were evil. When you're a 7 year old with already-existing abandonment issues and you see a kid watch his parents fucking BLOW THE FUCK UP after he begs them NOT to touch the goddamned rock- the movie goes from kitchy sci-fi to all out horror. Immediately. Don't even get me started on those nightmares. And worse? MY FATHER TOOK ME TO SEE THIS IN THE THEATER.
No. You know what? I'm freaking myself out right now.
Fucking horror movies. And Fuck You, Babysitters for watching this crap while I was awake!
Just Fuck You.
Tune in next time when I list all the inappropriate films Dad took me to see.
Nothing says a good night sleep like a waking up in the middle of the massacre scene during a midnight showing of Gandhi.
I think I've had too much coffee today.
posted by LC Greenwood at 10:00 PM
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