Further Proof That I am In Fact, 13 Years Old, And Male.

In an altered state of viewing, I discover again, how much of a goddamned nerd I acutally am:

I give you:
SG and LC Watch Empire Strikes Back...in 4 Hours.

Alright, so, the Rebels are now on the winter planet of Hoth. They're still pretty rag-tag with little funding and substandard equipment.."We're having trouble adjusting the speeders to the cold"

PAUSE

"Dude, you know, this totally explains why things are not as high tech as they were in the prequels which are supposed to take place 20 years earlier."
"How do you figure?"
"Well, the Empire taking over trade routes and government basically throws the galaxy into a sort of Dark Age, similar to pre-Renaissance Europe."
"Oh, yeah, totally."
“Also, how cool is it that almost every shot in this film looks like a comic book panel?”
“Totally, dude.”

PLAY

Han comes back to base after a recon/sensor placing mission and informs the Alliance that he's got to get the hell out of dodge to pay the bounty on his head. The Rebels are disappointed, but understand as he is of no use to them dead. Han goes to say goodbye to Leia who continues to give him the cold shoulder. They have a heated exchange which leads me to

PAUSE

"Wow, you know, I never realized that it's HAN who is upset here. HE'S pissed at HER because HE loves her but she won't give him the time of day!! I never saw that before. I always just figured he was just fucking with her and didn’t fall in love with her until that kiss! Holy shit."

PLAY

Meanwhile, Luke, on the same recon/sensor placing mission has been attacked by a snow monster. Luckily, he's able to tap into his latent Jedi powers, frees himself, kills the beast and escapes. It's about a Gajillion degrees below zero, however, and he doesn't make it far. He promptly passes out.

Han discovers that Luke hasn't come back yet and makes ready to go on a rescue mission.
"Sir! You're Taun-Taun will freeze before you get to the first marker!"
to which Han replies in just about the best line in the series ever:
"Then I'll see you in HELL!"

PAUSE

“Harrison Ford is SUCH a badass in this movie.”

PLAY

Luke, still unconscious, has been visited by Obi-Wan telling him to go to Dagobah to train with Yoda. Yoda has been exiled to Dagobah since Anakin made the complete shift to the Dark Side, got his ass handed to him in the volcano and shouted "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Dagobah was a good choice as it was infused with a pretty hefty naturally occurring Dark Side Presence that would serve to shield Yoda from Anakin's Super Spidey Jedi Sense. It also serves to explain why Yoda seems completely crazed as compared to his staid demeanor in the prequels.

PAUSE:

“Well think about it for a second. He’s on a planet totally teeming with the Dark Side, where apparently the sun never shines, he spent most of his time at the technologically advanced Jedi Temple, he’s had to experience and SENSE the deaths of the entire Jedi Order, and he’s ALONE on that swampy rock! I think it’s safe to say that anyone would go a little senile. AND he’s 800 YEARS OLD!”

PLAY

Right, so the Rebels, Luke now back at the base thanks to the rescue mounted by Han the previous evening and then the speeders the next morning, have discovered that the Empire knows where they are. They initiate evacuation maneuvers and mount a ground defense. Their base is underground and the Imperial Walkers are bringing the place down around them. Han, still trying to get the Falcon running, rushes to get Leia, still trying to get the rest of the base evacuated, to her ship. Their route is caved in and Han decides to take her out on the Falcon. Imperial Troops are now galavanting around the base with Vader in tow.

PAUSE:

“You know, what the hell is he doing there? The likelihood of that place caving in is just as great for Vader as it is for everyone else! And doesn’t he KNOW that Luke is out on the battlefield??”
“He’s not after Luke.”
“…What?”
“Oh, no. He’s after Han and Leia. “
“Ok, how do you figure?”
“Well, he’s going to use them to smoke Luke out. He’s going to fuck them up so that Luke senses it, gets angry, loses control, joins the Dark Side so that he can use Luke to kill the Emporer.”
“WHAT?”
“Alright, remember, NOOOOOOOOOO!? Remember how he tried to kill the Emperor then but couldn’t? That’s because he lost most of his midichlorians…’He’s more machine now than man..’ He’s not strong enough. He needs Luke’s power to defeat Palpatine. And then they can ‘Rule the Galaxy as father and son!’ Revenge, man.”
“Whoa.”
“Yeah.”

PLAY

Back on Dagobah, Luke has met Yoda who is now scolding him for basically being just like his father:
Ready, are you? What know you
of ready? For eight hundred years
have I trained Jedi. My own counsel
will I keep on who is to be trained!
A Jedi must have the deepest
commitment, the most serious mind.
(to the invisible
Ben, indicating Luke)
This one a long time have I watched.
All his life has he looked away...
to the future, to the horizon.
Never his mind on where he was.
Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph.
Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh!
A Jedi craves not these things.
(turning to Luke)
You are reckless!

RECKLEEEESSSS!! Just like Anakin!

Meanwhile Back on the Millennium Falcon…
Han, Leia, Chewie and 3PO have sought refuge (after an ill-fated turn with an asteroid field) in the Cloud City. With Lando. Gambler, Swindler, Scoundrel… yes, let’s trust THAT guy. Vader and his troops get there first and set up a trap to ensnare Luke and freeze him in Carbonite for his trip to the Emperor.
Han is the guinea pig to test the freezing process.
“I love you.”
“I know.”
Damn that whole scene chokes me up every time.

Right, so, Luke does indeed have a vision. He sees his friends in great pain and decides to go to them. Yoda tries to stop him from suffering the same fate as his father…“Holy Shit.”

PAUSE

“What?”
“I just realized something. You know when Luke actually becomes a Jedi right?”
“Well, in between episode 5 and 6.”
“NO! He doesn’t become a Jedi until he learns to free himself from his emotions. To let go of anger and hate! And that doesn’t happen until after he cuts off Vader’s hand, realizes what he’s done, throws his lightsaber away, says ‘No.’ and then gets the shit Force Lighteninged out of him by Palpatine.”
“Oh my god you’re right! “
“Yeah. See, Luke succeeds where Anakin failed. They were both ‘too old to start the training.’ Anakin comes to the temple with Yoda ‘much anger in him sensing’ due to the fact that he’d been a slave his whole life and watched his mother endure slavery as well. His journey to let go of his emotions was essentially stopped before it even began. Luke, on the other hand is even older when he begins his training, but he’s been on Tatooine this whole time as well. But they pretty much raise him right, he’s got a good family, and really, not too many reasons to be angry. Well, except at Uncle Owen for not letting him join the Academy.”
“Well, that’s because he was never supposed to leave Tatooine.”
“Huh?”
“Dude, he wanted to join the Academy. Which would train him for the IMPERIAL ARMY. Which is run by VADER. HIS FATHER. Letting him go would undo everything they had done to protect the children.”
“HOLY SHIT”
“ I KNOW!
“GOD these movies kick SO MUCH ass..”

PLAY

Vader and Luke finally face off. Luke loses a hand, finds out Vader is his father, has his own NOOOOOOOOOO! moment, falls down a mine shaft, ends up hanging off some scaffolding, calls to Leia with the force, she hears him (foreshadowing) OM-IN-OUS HORNS!, comes to rescue him in the Falcon, they end up with the Rebel Envoy, he gets a bionic hand and we all watch, mouths agape as the closing credits roll wondering WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS NOW??? HAN IS TOTALLY FROZEN IN CARBONITE!
THE EMPIRE DID INDEED STRIKE BACK!!!!

“We are nerds.”
“Yes.”

There you have it. And Don’t even get me started on other key plot points and possibilities such as Vader knowing about Luke before the Emperor…or the whole ObiWan-Chewbacca-R2D2 Bermuda Plot Triangle…

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a chatroom I need to visit.