And So it Went...part 4 of 4

And then there was Love. We've got some fond, and not so fond memories of characters who would dominate 2005...

TUESDAY, JANUARY 11, 2005
There's no title.

Yeah, so she never thought she'd see him again. And it really pissed her off. Well, first it hurt. Then she got mad. Then she decided to forget about it. That lasted all of five minutes, and the next three days were spent thinking about the situation, feeling alternately disappointed, sad, and angry...sometimes all at the same time. Which she knows is ok.

Tuesday, therapy. Where she finally accepted that she did the right thing and that anyone who couldn't see that let alone appreciate it, wasn't someone she should be worrying about. Still stung though. She hated not being able to FIX things. To MAKE people see the right path. So, she made a decision. One last olive branch. One last wave of that damn flag...

She wrote him-thinking of the movies and how she was actually setting up a scene from every romantic comedy ever made...which she herself had declared poisonous to the reality of living relationships-but she wrote on. Told him where she would be that evening and the next and that she'd really like to see him...told him he didn't have to reply, and tipped her hat to her almost obsessive need to beat something into the ground. She was a "try all avenues" kind of girl. She pressed "send".

In the afternoon, it started to snow. She watched, nonplussed, thinking it would stop soon. It didn't stop. It got worse and worse until she had to accept that the weather had thwarted her plan for a reconciliation. But, something small in her heart kept speaking up. Telling her she had to go anyway. What if he showed up? What if what if what if...

There were 4 other people in the bar besides her. She resolved to stay until 10:30. It was 9:20. She ordered a beer and sat down and listened to music...her stomach doing some floor work and then the uneven bars. She knew he wasn't going to show... but she even went so far as to alert another bartender just in case to show him where she'd be. Utter silliness. She laughed at herself. But didn't feel bad. She knew that there were about a thousand reasons he wasn't going to show up...the least of which being the 6 inches of snow outside.

She grabbed her beer and moved closer to the stage. Thinking to chat with her friend who was entertaining himself (as there was no one else to entertain). She lit a cigarette. Laughed at something he said. Took a sip of her beer and looked up and towards the bar.

And there he was.

And all she could think was "I can't believe he's here... that's so cool...that's so cool."
There were naysayers who told her "of COURSE he came."
But, when someone doubts as much as she has and has had just as much reason to do so... that moment gets burned in her brain.
All those times she'd watched some stupid movie starring someone whom it hurt to look at and he'd just got done holding up a boombox at the train station after climbing up a fire escape and crashing his girl's ill-fated wedding saying 'I was just nowhere near your neighborhood' and that little voice in her heart cried "Why not me??" and then in the same breath said "Fuck Romance. Love Disappears, Baby" suddenly popped in her brain and she realized that at least one time in her life, she'd actually had a movie moment.
And it was kick ass.

And the not so fond-

Childish little boy
with your expectations and picnic
equipment that drive nearly everything you do.
You go round and through us destroying any
hope we had that you might be ok.
And God Forbid we might let you down-
It's the end it's over and
there's no understanding.
Meanwhile, you can fuck us
and leave us and never call us and lie to us-
any thing to keep you on top, inside and wet.
You wonder why we're crazy.
Wonder Why. Who ever
really sees what they've sown before they
devour what's next.
We've hardened our hearts but you find
your way in
Insidious, cute little boy
with your innocent smile and big bright eyes.
How can we resist the words you know we long and
need to hear?
So, we'll become one of you and plow through each
of you with very little thought of consequence.
But sadly, what still lies inside in that desire that
one of you will be right, that one of you will be good
and we can look at you with trusting eyes and
a warm, unwasted smile and hope for a future.
Uck.




Well podners, it's been a great two years...and we look forward to the years to come.
We end WITH A MONTAGE!

I dream of the day when I can wake up with Folgers in my Cup and realize that I am truly very happy. That the panic is imagined, my life is not in ruins, and being in transition is a good and healthy thing.

I'd stretch my arms above my head and say, "What's next life? How can I kick your ass today?"
(Insert montage of vigorous boxing training in the north regions of Russia...lots of snow... using piles of rocks as weights...imposing looking men in fur hats driving around in cars with chains on the tires. CHAINS people. Because the weather is so badass up there that CHAINS ON TIRES haven't become illegal...like they are here... oh Rocky...you representative of all that was different between the USA and the USSR, you!...I'm sorry... quite possibly the coolest montage in the Rocky franchise and minus the homo-erotic ocean frolicking between Rock and Apollo) but I digress....

Over Drinks....
"Hey, can I buy you a drink?"
"Why, thank you. Yes."
"What's your name?"
"I'm (insert girl's name here)".
"I'm (insert guy's name here)".
"You from around here?"
"Yeah, I grew up in Naperville."
"So, what kinds of music do you listen to?"
"Um, you know, a lot of different stuff."
"Ok, um, what books are you reading now?"
"Um, I don't read much. Don't have a lot of time."
"Wow. That's interesting."
"Yeah, cool, so what do you do?"
"I answer phones and I'm an actress. You?"
"I work for the Board of Trade So, do you do like plays and stuff?"
"Yeah, and films sometimes."
"Anything I would have seen? Cuz my family and I went to see the Lion King and that was pretty cool."
"No... I'm not nor ever was in...The Lion King."
"So. Where do you live?"
"Uptown...Montrose and Clark. You?"
"Lincoln Park. My buddies and I share a place. It's pretty sweet."
"Awesome."

long awkward pause.

"Ok, well, I'm gonna go back to my girlfriends now."
"Right on."
"Thanks for the drink."
"No problem."
"See ya."

Sigh.

THE PMS FILES

PMS How do I love thee, let me count the ways?
I love the bloating...feeling fat is such a
comfort in these cold winter months!
Sadness...oh to listen to Joni Mitchell 24 hours a day Seven days a week...
My hair won't do what I want it to do? It's time to CRY!
And it's ok to eat 50 pounds of Chocolate and/or 7 Big n' Tasty's.
I'll just walk it off!
I adore hating all people!
My skin is a vast oil field that could in fact
provide natural resources for a third world country!
And the PAIN! Oh sweet sweet abdminal pain that makes
me covet a home epidural!
The need to insert "FUCK" as noun, modifier AND verb into
every sentence.

fuuuuuuuck.

/end of line.

On the Topic of PMS Revisited...
Again.. when I can't get my hair to do what I want after 3 tries, and I'm running late and I hurl the brush into the sink while cursing the whoreson who invented mornings, I know...

"It's that time of month
when I just hate the world
Every little thing makes me say
Fuck you kindly,
get the fuck out of my face!
And this song of mine, in three quarter time,
warns you ahead of time to stay the hell out of my fucking way."

And yeah, the last line doesn't scan properly.
You gonna do something about it?
Come over here., and I'll show you how far that'll get you.

God I pity the man who has to deal with me this evening.

Laugh long, laugh hard, and by God laugh with your whole body.

Once upon a Time

There was a boy. And he was very dumb.

The end.

Lessons in Humility
Our generation is extremely arrogant.
Or maybe it's just me.
You grow up with this sense of entitlement.

I'll conquer the world!
I'll be famous!
I'll be PRESIDENT!

And you go to school. And you get your degree. And you get out there and suddenly, you're alone. There's no one holding your hand. But that only serves to strengthen your resolve to succeed. To win. To be perfect. But only if it doesn't compromise the enormous wall of pride and idealism you've bulit up around yourself.

And suddenly you're 29 and you're still answering phones because somewhere along the way, you might have pissed off the wrong people, decided what you were doing didn't really matter in the long run becasue one day YOU were going to be great... but fuck them right? You know who you are and what you stand for and FUCK THEM for being callow.

But then, one day. Reality. You need to eat. You need a home. And there ain't no husband around the corner to do it for you and your parents have had about enough of your overdeveloped idealism. It's time to play the role of a lifetime.

And you look around you and realize that other people are doing it. But they're doing it better and you're still answering phones with a degree that your parents dropped 20 grand a year on. And you are suddenly looking at Reality, Adulthood, and Life square in the face and truly fear looking back on your life and realizing you did nothing of real value.

And that things aren't going to be handed to you and the only thing you're entitled to is that which you work for.

And you find that you have to be ready to start.

Thanks for reading everybody...
You are the coolest.