You're Not Attractive

Went to the bars this weekend. After a week of convalescence, I felt I owed it to myself to tie one on.
I have this to say.
Winter drinkers are just upsetting.

So, Mr. "I'm so drunk I can't form a coherent sentence much less maintain linear thought for more than 2 seconds", no I won't go home with you. Tempting though your stale beer and scotch breath is to my loins, you are not attractive.
At all.
Seriously.

And please. Stop telling me how good I smell. I know I smell good. I haven't been drinking since 4 this afternoon with the rest of my married friends before heading out to the bars to oggle women and try to get them to make out with me. I smell like a fucking line dried bath towel on a cool summer day compared to you.

Spring....where are you???