I don't know what to call this...

Everything is changing. Nothing feels the same.
I’ve always felt a measure of predictability in my life even when it seemed out of control. It’s like knowing the ending to a movie that you haven’t seen in a while. But now, I’m watching and I don’t know what comes next. There aren’t any absolutes. There never are. Why do I feel like there once were?

Have I strayed from my true path? Or have I stumbled upon the Road Less Traveled. It’s hard to know how to proceed. It’s hard to know if it’s ok to not know which way to go.

People come in to our lives. There’s no way of knowing how long they’ll stay, if they’re worth the effort, if they’re merely a diversion. How do you know? Is it ok if you don’t? Some take you pretty far away from whom you thought was yourself. But who was that? Is it always changing and I just never noticed the change?

I can’t predict the end. And it’s so frustrating and I want to be able to sit back and relax and enjoy the show. It’s hard to close my eyes and let go.

Although I realize too, that I’ve been waiting for someone to come in and write my story. Maybe I’m just no longer watching from the outside in and therefore I can’t see over my own head to the horizon. It’s frightening. To take over. What if it’s not interesting? What if it’s shameful? What if it sucks? How wonderful to be able to trust that whatever I write down comes from me and therefore is beautiful in it’s own right.

I don’t know what happens next.