Dear Blog Readers,
Well, it's Mardi Gras. The Fat Tuesday. The day before the Ash Wednesday...the beginning of 40 days of Atonement aka Lent aka Feel Really guilty Every Time You Forget and Eat Meat on Friday for the Catholics of the world.
Brings me back to grade school.
Some highlights. (font= Lenten Purple)
Confession. My FAVORITE thing EVER to do as a child. Get into a box and confess sins. Feel guilty! Feel guilty about not having anything to confess! I used to make stuff up. I mean, really, how sinful can a child of 10 or 11 be? Well, pretty sinful apparently, because in sixth grade we got a little pamphlet entitled "Examination of Conscience". Upon reflection, I think this was the Churches thinly veiled revelation that Pornography and Masturbation were sins. Why? Because there was a list of really lame things that one MIGHT have done worthy of confession...and then right in the middle of the list:
"Have you ever looked at pictures of naked men or women engaging in unwholesome activities? Have you ever touched yourself while looking at these pictures?" No, I'm not kidding.
The first time I masturbated I thought I was going straight to hell. There was NO FUCKING WAY I was going to tell Father Sullivan I was jilling off. Wait. Guys "jack off", and Girls "jill off". Jack and Jill. HA! Yep, I'm almost 30 and I just now figured that out.
Stations of the Cross. Oh my god I fucking HATED Stations of the Cross. For those not familiar, this is when the priest walks very slowly around the church visiting the placards depicting the Passion. "The 6th station, Jesus falls a 42nd time". Every Friday during Lent. At 2:15. Guess what THAT meant? If they let slow readers read the service, and depending on what building your classroom was in, chances were, you missed the damn bus. Also, someone ALWAYS either passed out, or threw up. Which meant a pile of puke and sawdust to smell and then view upon leaving the church. Good times.
No good songs during church. It's ATONEMENT. No celebrating, which meant, CRAPPY SONGS. The worst song? Lord Let Me Walk a Mile in Your Shoes (Under the Weight of the Wood). This song makes me want to poke my own eyes out and stick fondu skewers in my ears.
No Meat on Friday. No big deal...except I can never remember. One year I pulled into McDonald's and ordered two burgers and some fries and was halfway through the second burger when one word went careening through my brain:
"fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."
Lenten Promises! Woo hoo! NO CANDY! NO VIDEO GAMES! NO SASSING YOUR PARENTS, NO SNACKING BETWEEN MEALS... whatever. Sacrifice! Feel bad when you fuck up! Hey! Something to confess!!!
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I broke a Lenten Promise and ate a Hershey's Kiss."
"Say 10 Our Fathers and a Decade of the Rosary."
Goddamnit.
Uck. It's no wonder I have shame issues.
So, Happy Mardi Gras everybody!!
And you locals! Come see my show! Tonight, Saturday, and Valentine's Day. Hungry Brain. 8PM. Be there. It's Free!
Brings me back to grade school.
Some highlights. (font= Lenten Purple)
Confession. My FAVORITE thing EVER to do as a child. Get into a box and confess sins. Feel guilty! Feel guilty about not having anything to confess! I used to make stuff up. I mean, really, how sinful can a child of 10 or 11 be? Well, pretty sinful apparently, because in sixth grade we got a little pamphlet entitled "Examination of Conscience". Upon reflection, I think this was the Churches thinly veiled revelation that Pornography and Masturbation were sins. Why? Because there was a list of really lame things that one MIGHT have done worthy of confession...and then right in the middle of the list:
"Have you ever looked at pictures of naked men or women engaging in unwholesome activities? Have you ever touched yourself while looking at these pictures?" No, I'm not kidding.
The first time I masturbated I thought I was going straight to hell. There was NO FUCKING WAY I was going to tell Father Sullivan I was jilling off. Wait. Guys "jack off", and Girls "jill off". Jack and Jill. HA! Yep, I'm almost 30 and I just now figured that out.
Stations of the Cross. Oh my god I fucking HATED Stations of the Cross. For those not familiar, this is when the priest walks very slowly around the church visiting the placards depicting the Passion. "The 6th station, Jesus falls a 42nd time". Every Friday during Lent. At 2:15. Guess what THAT meant? If they let slow readers read the service, and depending on what building your classroom was in, chances were, you missed the damn bus. Also, someone ALWAYS either passed out, or threw up. Which meant a pile of puke and sawdust to smell and then view upon leaving the church. Good times.
No good songs during church. It's ATONEMENT. No celebrating, which meant, CRAPPY SONGS. The worst song? Lord Let Me Walk a Mile in Your Shoes (Under the Weight of the Wood). This song makes me want to poke my own eyes out and stick fondu skewers in my ears.
No Meat on Friday. No big deal...except I can never remember. One year I pulled into McDonald's and ordered two burgers and some fries and was halfway through the second burger when one word went careening through my brain:
"fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."
Lenten Promises! Woo hoo! NO CANDY! NO VIDEO GAMES! NO SASSING YOUR PARENTS, NO SNACKING BETWEEN MEALS... whatever. Sacrifice! Feel bad when you fuck up! Hey! Something to confess!!!
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I broke a Lenten Promise and ate a Hershey's Kiss."
"Say 10 Our Fathers and a Decade of the Rosary."
Goddamnit.
Uck. It's no wonder I have shame issues.
So, Happy Mardi Gras everybody!!
And you locals! Come see my show! Tonight, Saturday, and Valentine's Day. Hungry Brain. 8PM. Be there. It's Free!
posted by LC Greenwood at 9:03 AM
1 Comments:
Why not more about "jilling off"? Hm? Pretty please? With sugar on top?
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