Ah Rainy Days and Upset Stomachs...

Well, For those of you that still read this nonsense, word is, Blog Readers, your dear lady of the Xanax Files has come up pregnant. Yep, Hawaii proved to be a powerful place of fertility and as of this Friday I will be 10 weeks along. 2 weeks shy of my second trimester. Now, let's not get all "OMG THAT'S OSSOME ARE YOU SOOOOOOOO EXCITED"??? because I'm just not in the damn mood.

What I AM in the mood for, is to make fun of the movie that's currently blasting its way through my tv box:
Nights in Rodanthe.

Here's what I know so far:
Diane Lane is a mother of two, separated from her husband. Now, I knew this was a love story...because the trailers told me it was, and because of Richard Gere in all of his suede coat brownness. But what I DIDN'T know was that this movie was going to make it very easy for me not to like Richard Gere in many, many ways. From his "I am clearly upset about something" method of stomping around acting, to the fact that CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI is Diane Lane's soon to be ex-husband, who as it turns out, wants to come back home! So....um....weird aging ambiguously gay perpetual mullet guy? Or ELLIOT FUCKING STABLER?
I think you know where I'm going with this.

But let's dive in, shall we?
OK, so apparently, after Stabler asks Diane to let him come home, she has a good ol' down home talk with her black friend who tells her in so many "GIRL?"s that Stabler is no good for her no how. He cheated on her apparently and oh, wasn't really there for her when her dad died. Sorry, I'm still on Team Stabler. Anyhoo, she can't make any decisions now anyway because she has to rush off to help her friend at her Bed and Breakfast on the beach (I'm guessing it's...Rodanthe?") where Richard "Angry Pants" Gere is the only guest on the list.

Let me give you a peek into the Angry World of Captain Cranky. He arrives at the B&B on the Beach, slams in the door, leaves it open and impatiently rings the bell at the desk. When no one answers in like the speed of sound, he starts yelling "HELLO" stomping all over the house, throwing aside charmingly whimsical beaded curtains while bellowing about whether there's somebody HERE. He then finds Ms. Lane shedding some single tears on the back porch where she jumps to and starts the welcome wagon. Gere is a prick(but clearly tortured) and she tells him dinner is at 7:30. Well, actually, he tells her because that's when it's good for him.
Cut to him on the beach ANGRILY talking on his cellphone in what is symbolism for his anger. I mean, srsly u guyz, how angry he must be be that the beauty and majestic tranquility of the beach can't calm his frayed, tortured nerves. What SAVING he needs!!!

Anyway, it's dinner time, and in an attempt by the directors to make Gere's unapproachable boor be ...approachable, he comes barging into the much more awesome atmosphere of the kitchen to eat, because he doesn't want to eat alone. And there's jazz playing.

OK, so then Diane Lane goes on to reveal way too much about her personal life while Richard Gere eats angrily. And then Richard reveals that he has a son. Angrily. A doctor. Ah, so...he is estranged from his son. Oh, and apparently, Mr. Gere is between homes right now.

Later, after Richard goes to bed and Diane takes a walk, we see her on the phone checking in at home having all kinds of problems with her ex not holding down the fort properly ie, letting their son go to bed without taking his asthma medication. And she does NOT want to hear anything about how much Stabler loves her.

Then we get treated to a flashback hinting to why Sour Puss is so Sour. Seems that he himself was/is a doctor who I'm guessing botched up a routine surgery and either killed someone, or maimed somebody. How and why remains a mystery, but what IS revealed is that Richard is in Rodanthe to see someone connected with the incident. The meeting went...badly and Richard hightails it back to the B&B on the beach and where he forces Diane Lane to let him help her carry some 2x4's up the stairs so he can drop them angrily. Diane goes into town to "get supplies" and by "get supplies" I mean "get the dirt on what happened to the crazy man at her B&B on the beach." Ultimately he gets the opportunity to tell her that a routine cyst removal on some old lady resulted in her implausibly dying on the table. So Diane wraps up the conversation with "Let's Grill some Salmon!"

Cut to an intimate dinner and exchange of kid stories. He tells more about how he fucked up the surgery and how his son has no respect for him and then Diane takes him upstairs to some "studio" read "Junk room" where we learn about the spirits that guided the actual owner's grandmother or some other shit. And a bunch of nonsense about a box and driftwood and memories of my father. All of this is so overwrought I could just puke. And it's entirely possible given my delicate fucking condition. I don't know. She's lamenting about "what she has left" and I keep seeing her very nice house and her Elliot Stabler husband, and I'm unconvinced that her life really needs all that much re-examining. Cheating be damned.
So, then her movie-emo-daughter calls and inserts herself in the middle of her parents' reconciliation. Goddamnit. Cuz now it looks like Stabler has been using his kids to get to his wife. BAD FORM.
So, it's time for Diane to drink about about a bottle of Jack Daniels and get this, throw out old food in the pantry. This scene goes on for at least 3 cutaways. And then she has to go to bed.

Next day, Hurricane Warning! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!!!! Which means he has to stay.
Ugh, then the husband of the dead lady shows up to find out what happened. It was an anesthesia problem. Nothing to do with the surgery. And Richard says as much, but everyone (including Diane) is mad at him because he doesn't FEEL IT enough. What? Goddamnit. This movie is terrible.
Now we're talking about her and her choices.
And the storm gets stronger!!!!
The phones are out!
There are storm shudders still open!!
THE POWER GOES OUT!
OMG!
FOR SOME REASON A CHINA CABINET COMPLETLY AWAY FROM ANY WINDOW FALLS OVER GIVING RICHARD AND OPPORTUNITY TO SAVE DIANE FROM A CRUSHING INJURY!
Then they do it to some weird cello soundtrack.

Next morning, it's time to assess the damage. Literally and figuratively. Richard awakes alone and goes to find Diane. There's a lot of crap all over the beach. Diane reveals that her son had an asthma attack over night and SHE WASN'T THERE!! SHE HAS RESPONSIBILITIES. MAYBE YOU DON'T GET THAT RICHARD, BEING A GODDAMNED DOCTOR AND ALL!
Whatever. So I guess now, Richard goes over to the dead lady's husband's house again to try and really feel it. Which I guess means sitting down and listening to this guy talk about his dead wife's eyes and when they met. What all this really means is that these people need some crisis counseling, because they want someone to blame. I'm gonna soapbox here for a minute. How dare these people assume that Richard didn't feel badly about what he had done...well, actually what he DIDN'T have anything to do with. Christ in the sky.
So....now, all better, they walk on the beach and get ready for some crab cracking party. I should take this opportunity to point out that Richard Gere is NOT aging well at all.
And cue boisterous party complete with local dance music.
And cue spinning kiss montage that actually made me dizzy....and into sensitive piano lovemaking scene.
I do not have high hopes that Stabler's coming out on top in this one. Damnit. Not after this terrible naked map viewing nonsense where Richard does the whole "here's a tree" and kisses her ear bullshit.
I hate this movie.
So, Richard is leaving and it takes forever. And Diane takes another long walk under a pier (HA!) and picks up some fucking driftwood.
Back at home, Stabler walks out angrily.
Diane isn't taking him back, movie emo daughter is PISSED and now will begin a long descent into a life of hard drugs and prostitution.
Now we get a goddamned letter writing montage while she makes a driftwood box.
Hooray! He's coming home from where ever he was!
And I'm sensing something bad is going to happen. The plane didn't crash...hmmm. What could it be?
She's frantically calling to find out why he's stood her up.
What Happened, Diane?
Then his son shows up instead of him. Is he dead?
Yep. Died in a fucking mudslide.
Blog Readers, I'm here to tell you. I am a pregnant hormonal mess. I cry during the Simpsons for Christ's sake. But this shit isn't doing a goddamned thing. Ah yes, his Medical Spanish dictionary clutched to her chest is just a heartwrenching moment indeed.
Movie emo daughter comes in and sees Diane all fucked up and sad, and cue to to her "takin' charge."
Oh my god. There are totally too many relationships that need fixing and closure in this goddamned flick. I give up.

So, the moral of the story, as told by Diane to the movie emo daughter is that there is a kind of love that transcends all others and makes you brave and that you should hold out for it....especially when it ends in a mud-slidey death. That's the best kind.
Oh yeah.
And then you see some rare ponies or some shit.

That's pretty much it.
I mean, there's a few more scenes of Diane walking around in soft sunlight breathing deeply through her nose a lot, but that's pretty much it.

And did I mention I was pregnant?