Pipe Dreams

and no, not the ones gotten with a pipe...

I imagine a love where I am desired.
Where I am pulled to as I pull.
I imagine being loved.
Profoundly
Wholly
Without doubt or question or anxiety.
I imagine a trusting before the grief before knowledge of darkness
Before real life.
I remember that love. Vaguely.
There is crying with the yearning for it.
There is hope.
But that hope is fleeting and it feels dangerous.
For in that realization of real life there is pain.
The reality of pain.
And there is fear.
And there is need to control.
But, oh, to have that love.
And the cynic says it's fleeting, and it's not real
But i remember those moments.
Moments of true love.
When I felt cherished
treasured
honored
worshipped
worthy.
god.
I miss that.