Sunday, February 24, 2008

Live Blog: The Fucking Oscars

Ok, so here we are. This is the first year in many that I am actually going to sit through the entire show from beginning to end. And I'm taking you all with me on my journey. This is not an original idea, as the AV Club over at the Onion does it every year. But, whatever. Who cares?

7:33 and I'm already bored. The opening credits sequence was a lack-luster, badly animated amalgam of Hollywood over the past 80 years, featuring the Terminator delivering the Oscar statues to the venue. It was something out of a Lowes Theaters "sit back and enjoy the show" nightmare.

7:37. Jon Stewart's awkward monologue opens with a predictable nod to the Writer's Pout.

7:44
Okay, first commercial break, and a Best Costume Design to Elizabeth: The Fashion Show Loosely Based on What Really Happened Back Then.
I saw this film this past week and without going into full detail, it wasn't good.
Anyway, after the shortest acceptance speech ever, we cut to Barbara Fucking Streisand at a flashback to when she won an Oscar sometime in the 60's. And her remembering when she won. Great, we get to watch stars masturbating with memories. Awesome.
B likes the set.

7:56
We've had a montage...which ALMOST made me cry. I admit it, I am a sucker for the montage. I'm sure I'll see at least 9 more.
Ratatouille takes Best Animated Feature. I realize I've seen way more of these movies this year.
HA! Two presenters wearing almost the EXACT same dress!
Also, I heart Steven Carrell.

8:03
Hollywood Power-Couple/Excercise in Creepiness Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones reminisce about their collective awesomeness, B aptly observes:
"Wow. They're still married." He is already showing signs of wanting out of this venture. I am committed to soldiering on.

8:07
The Rock's real name is Dwayne Johnson. Hm. Apparently The People's Actor is taking himself seriously now.

8:12
You know, I feel really bad for "team oscars." The first guy always get the most time and the second guy is totally fucked.

8:16
Best Supporting Actor...and we have Hal Holbrook as the "Obligatory Nomination for Being Old".
And the dude from No Country for Old Men takes it and accepts it in Spanish. This is one of the flicks I haven't seen. Mostly because I'm just not a big fan of Fargo.

Ok, we're at a commercial break.
45 minutes in and it occurs to me that this could get rather tedious. So, I'm just gonna do this about every 20 minutes because I'm not talking to my boyfriend and I have to keep him engaged or else he's changing the channel.

8:25
I'm bored again with the goddamned second performance of a nominated song. I'm watching a black gospel choir sing about not giving up, being yourself, and having the strength to get through it all. Ugh.
See you in 20.

8:44
And now I'm asking myself Why. Why did The Bee Movie get even a fucking nod?
Why is Jessica Alba still working?
Why is everyone stumbling over their lines?
Why is this show lacking in any kind of energy?
Oh yeah, the chick from Michael Clayton won for best supporting actress.
No Country for Old Men takes Best Adapted Screenplay.
Seriously. Were they passing out Quaaludes in the swag bags this year?? I have to think that this show's horribleness lends itself to the absence of writers until a week ago. They just should have cut their losses and cancelled the show this year. This show is absolutely embarrassing. And could very well finally put a nail in the coffin of award shows. No one really cares anymore, and if you can't produce a show that's remotely interesting to watch, well, there it is.
Aaaaaaaaand now we're getting a very boring lesson in how the Academy votes for the nominees.
Oh! I get it. Everyone is wearing red for the Little Red Dress project.

8:54
OH MY GOD THIS MUSIC IS AWFUL. I'm in hell.

8:57
LOL. The tagline for the Oscars this year is "the one. the only."

9:04
I've lost B. He's gone to do the dishes. I even tried plying him with thin mint girl scout cookies. Unsuccessful.
I'm slowly descending a Quaalude contact high.
Do the memory montages count as montages? Because I think we're officially up to 1200.

9:16
So, the French chick won Best Actress. Which, I think is cool. But, I really would have loved to see Laura Linney win. I love her work. She's just so damn good. Oh well.
I think we're about due for another goddamned song. Undoubtedly from goddamned Enchanted.
Are you as bored to tears as I?
I thought so.
And to really drive the point home, they're playing fucking Wii tennis.
Good God.
And I was right! A song.
But at least a good one. Finally.
Falling Slowly. This song is absolutely heartbreaking. And Glen Hansard is playing the Takamini with the hole in the body. Kick Ass.

9:23
Old Balls Jack Nicholson. Woo hoo.
MONTAGE! We're gonna need a montage!

9:32
Nicole Kidman is wearing a chandelier around her neck.

9:42
References to how long the show is: 142.

9:44
If it involves Nazis, it wins. Austria takes the Best Foreign Language film. B states: Mel Brookes could have made Hitler on Ice and it would have won.

9:45
Ok, here we have a THIRD fucking song from Fucking Enchanted. If Enchanted beats the song from Once I'm going on a killing spree of small woodland creatures. I'm not even fucking kidding. That's enough Disney. Seriously.

They keep announcing presenters with little epithets like this gem:
"And now, one of the stars of Enchanted, the handsome and versatile, Patrick Dempsey."
Versatile, huh? His hair hasn't changed in 20 years, and I see him do nothing except stand around and half-smile. I hate him.

9:49
Apparently John Travolta doesn't warrant a complimentary introduction.
Ok, here we go. Best Song.
FALLING SLOWLY!!!!!!!! I am vindicated!

9:52
Why does Jon Stewart feel like he needs to say things like:
"Wasn't that a great moment for them?"
Yes, Jon, it was. Winning an Oscar is a pretty kick ass moment. Thanks for clearing that up for us. In case we didn't GET that.

9:55
I just saw an ad for "A Raisin in the Sun" starring Puffy Combs or whatever the fuck he's calling himself these days. Did you hear that sound? That was the Seventh Seal cracking open.

9:57
The technical glitches on this show are ridiculous. Jon's body mic wasn't on when they came back from break.
The Stage Manager's head just exploded.
Aw...Jon just brought Glen Hansard's partner out to do her speech because she didn't get to talk when they won.

B: "Thanks, Cameron Diaz, for doing your hair this evening."

10:10
Atonement takes Best Score.
I'm getting so tired...so very tired.

10:24
Why does Harrison Ford always look like a man in the middle of an Alzheimer's Moment?
Ok, Best Screenplay...Diablo Cody for Juno.
And her dress is hideous and ill-fitting. It doesn't help she keeps trying to pull the hem down. The kick pleat is up to her crotch.

10:31
Ok here we go. Helen Mirren presenting Best Actor. She is beautiful.
Vigo Mortenson should win just for putting a cigarette out on his tongue.
Daniel Day Lewis takes it. I haven't really been behind him since Last of the Mohicans which I just remember being hard to hear.
Is it me or are there an inordinate number of non-Americans winning these awards? Is this a harbinger of American Achievement Apathy?

10:42
Best Director...
Wait for it...
Coen Brothers! Awesome. I wonder what Best Picture will be. The AVers seem to think that this might be a year when Director and Picture don't match...

10:47
No Country for Old Men. Best Picture. Now I gotta see the damn thing. And There Will be Blood so I can decide for myself. But, I gotta say. I saw Juno and Atonement and neither one of them deserved it.

10:48
That's it. There you go. Another Oscar night ended. Thank God.

Thank you, and Goodnight.

10 Comments:

Blogger Auryn23 said...

Who won best actress?!?!

Come on LoCo...you can't leave me hanging like this!

8:57 AM  
Blogger LC Greenwood said...

See 9:16. "the French chick won best actress"

9:18 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

"I even tried plying him with thin mint girl scout cookies. Unsuccessful."

Bastard! Looking a gift thin mint in the mouth!

9:38 AM  
Blogger FireVaney said...

Thanks for the recap.
Glad I missed it.

Jessica Alba still works because she's still hot.

No Country for Old Men is, essentially, Fargo minus the quirkiness and the snow. Fargo offers hope in the face of evil. No Country for Old Men offers ineptitude, cruelty and disillusionment. Bon appétit!

10:01 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

All I have going on in my dead is a slo-mo montage of the highlights of your reactions through the course of the night. And it brings a tear. ;p

11:02 AM  
Blogger Booker T said...

I truly enjoyed John Stewart the whole time. But then again I always like watching the Oscars. Something tells me, not sure what it could be, that you don't.

1:25 PM  
Blogger LC Greenwood said...

Eh, I just remember when a lot more thought and effort went into it.

2:41 PM  
Blogger FireVaney said...

(AP) Nielsen Media Research says preliminary ratings for the 80th annual Academy Awards telecast are 14 percent lower than the least-watched ceremony ever.

4:08 PM  
Blogger James Kayfabio said...

That is strange, though. I've seen some of the films that the Coens have made since FARGO and that was really their turning point into a mish-mash of ideas instead of solid filmmaking.

Do not fear. Jessica Alba will soon not be working anymore. After the tank-fest of AWAKE and THE EYE and GOOD LUCK CHUCK, I think we're going to start seeing a lot less of her, thank Christ.

This is the first year in the last 3 years where one of my favorite films of the year didn't involve totally fucking Clive Owen, or the film he was involved in, over. In 04 it was CLOSER. In 05, it was SIN CITY. In 06, it was CHILDREN OF MEN. This year, he was in SHOOT 'EM UP and ELIZABETH: WE APPARENTLY DON'T KNOW AS MUCH AS LAURA DOES ABOUT THIS... and neither of those were close to being favorites. I'd still totally gay out for him, though.

In Memoriam. This segment hasn't made me cry since James Stewart died back in, what, '96? But I knew that seeing Heath would elicit tears.

Oh, BTW... get your ass behind D-Day. He's a fucking brilliant actor who has been fucking brilliant in every film he's done. And that includes the otherwise horrendous GANGS OF NEW YORK. Re-watch IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER. See THE BOXER. Forget THE CRUCIBLE, though. He's great in it, but the rest of the film sucks.

Your comment about Patrick Dempsey almost made me pee.

What is it in me that makes me want to punch Jonah Hill? Is it just that he's a one-joke fat pony, or just horrifically annoying? I hated him in KNOCKED UP and that's the main reason I haven't seen SUPERBAD.

And is it just me, or did John Travolta get his hairdo from Fantastic Xenu Salons? He looked like a fat ugly Ken doll.

I love Johnny Depp as an actor, but I hate Tim Burton. This is a team that needs to have a Cusack/Piven or Martin/Lewis-type falling out.

That's all for now.

But wait, a montage!

After looking at the 80 years of Oscar Best Picture winners, I realized that in the 60's, waaaay too many musicals won. GIGI, MY FAIR LADY, THE SOUND OF MUSIC... and the only one that actually deserved it, WEST SIDE STORY. Also in the 80's, I think only two films that I really loved won: AMADEUS (which is my fifth-favorite film ever) and RAIN MAN. The early 90's were pretty damn good (with the exception of SILENCE OF THE LAMBS... fuck, do I hate that movie) and then it all went to Hell when TITANIC won. When AMERICAN BEAUTY won in 99, that seemed like a return to good stuff. Then the Aughts rolled in, and it was Hell again.

End of line.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

"I love Johnny Depp as an actor, but I hate Tim Burton."

So, what does Fanny Dooley love?

Hm... Fanny Dooley loves names with double consonants, but hates creepy directors labeled as brilliant but in reality they're just weird and they use the same pasty British actress with rotten teeth over and over again...

6:47 PM  

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