4 Months Pass And Beer Commercials Featuring "beards".

Oh, Blog Readers, how I have neglected you! For this, I apologize. I have been busy...gestating. 59 more days until the end of my world as I know it.

Ok, anywho. Since becoming a freelancer, I get a lot of opportunities for "research". And by research, I mean countless hours in front of the television. Countless hours of my slow transformation into an 80 year old man muttering to myself about "kids these days" and their "complicated shoes" and their "half grown beards". Though I was gonna say "sugar drinks" didn't ya?
Well, no. Because I'm here to talk about a different kind of drink today. More specifically, beer. And still more specifically, the commercials that advertise beer.

I'm noticing a trend. Perhaps it's not new. Perhaps it's simply the baby-baking juices coursing through my system that cause me to shake with the rage of a thousand angry Huns.

Bud Light and Coors Light? I'm looking at you.

Bud Light is currently running a campaign where a sloppily groomed group of guys find themselves in situations one wouldn't normally party in, but when Bud Light shows up, BAM, party time! And apparently Bud Light drinkers are complete douchebags. There's one ad in the series...the one featuring the Jeremy Piven Character circa "PCU"—complete with 2 day "he's not sure if he can MAKE that kind of commitment right now but can't be bothered to shave either" beard, striding around a hospital, making smart ass, yet confident faces, barking out orders in an attempt to spread the word about a party in his sick friend's room. HILARIOUS! He oozes self-assurance as he moves through the ward handing out bottles of Bud Light, brah. and then at the end he looks at the female nurses in the room and quips
"Ladies...nurse outfits...I LIKE it."
BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Mysogyny is AWEsome. I better act dumb or that really cute guy won't think I'm hot. Gross.

Then there's Coors Light. This one shows us a couple of guys hanging out at an apartment. But what's this? There's a contraption in the fridge that allows you TAPPED BEER AT HOME for up to 30 DAYS! Suddenly, a bartender shows up. Then a cocktail waitress kindly changes out the snack bowls on the coffee table.
"Dude" says one.
"I know" says the other.
"But what does your girlfriend have to say about this?"
Ok, can I stop for a second? First off, why would she care? Personally, if my living room suddenly sprouted a full bar staff, I'd be fucking thrilled. But, apparently, in the world of beer commercials aimed at the 21-34 demographic, girlfriends just don't "get it" and are "a pain in the ass".

So, we cut to an external shot of the building where a bouncer is checking a clip board and telling the girlfriend that she's "not on the list". Really? Ok. Hey, boyfriend on the couch? Remember how I let you put your dick in my mouth? Yeah, that was nice wasn't it? Too bad I'm not on the fucking list. Later, Brah.

THAT's how that would end. In real life.

But in Beer Ad Land, another douchebag friend comes to the door, blows past the bouncer and the girlfriend is left sulking on the sidewalk.

So, what's my problem you ask? Since when have beer ads EVER been nice to women?
Look, I'm not naive. I worked on Miller Lite for the better part of a year. The "Get Lucky With Great Taste" signage you saw all over bars this St. Pat's? That was mine. I wrote that. I get what sells beer.

But I also know that guys who look like they smell bad and treat their girlfriends badly start to make me think that I'm glad my husband doesn't drink Bud Light OR Coors Light. And if he did, I'd start thinking to myself, "Seriously? He's one 2 day beard and a dirty t-shirt away from the curb."

"But, LC, these Ads aren't TALKING to you." Say the Creative Teams. "They're talking to young college aged guys (of legal drinking age, of course) who are just developing their confidence in their chosen groups. We're trying to speak to that inner partier inside them. The one that's carefree, smart, quick-witted and attractive to women even though he's not a striped shirt wearing, upwardly mobile member of society. He's 'every-guy'". Sigh. And it's that last label that makes me sad for the creative teams behind these pieces of garbage.

Because in reality, what "every-guy" WOULDN'T want a chick who drinks Coors Light right along with him? Who watches sports, plays cards, and embraces his inherent "guy-ness"? There are women like that out there. I know. I'm one of them. But, Beer advertisers would have us believe that women are a nuisance. They are to be tolerated and somewhat feared and therefore to be deceived...in manner of a 5 year old lying to his mommy about breaking something he shouldn't have been messing with in the fancy part of the house.

Ah well. I suppose they AREN'T talking to me. Or my husband. But they ARE talking to an impressionable group of mouth-breathers who will take these ads at face value and say "Dude. That's AWESOME."

And here's what's gonna happen. When my daughter grows up, one of the little nuggets of advice I'm going to give...
"Beware the man who eschews shaving for more than 2 days in your presence, sleeps on a single bed minus a mattress pad, and doesn't bother with dressing in anything more than a clearly dirty pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I don't care how "funny" he is. Run. Run screaming in the other direction. You will thank me later."

I can't wait to be a mom.