At Night I'm Still 9.
Seriously. I woke last night from a nightmare and was afraid to go back to sleep.
I had to smoke a cigarette to shake off the dream. And still that didn't really work.
The dream was stupid really, and all due to the subject matter of a book I'm reading right now.
There were vampires chasing us and the only thing we had to fight them were a few very long nails and some hammers. (The dream kicked off at my mom's house and the woman has no real tools to speak of. Good luck fixing anything.)
So, yeah, I wake up and I'm all scared of vampires coming to kill me in my sleep.
I've been really stressed out lately.
I'm watching my friends go through what we're all going through. And I was affected a lot at first. And now, I'm not as acutely aware of feeling anything as I once was.
I suppose I can chalk this up to an old coping mechanism.
Growing up, when shit got bad at home and people were around to see it, I'd immediately start the "make everyone else feel comfortable because this is totally normal and there's no reason for alarm" process. Changing the Subject was a well-honed skill early on.
Whenever anything bad happened, I just tried to forget about it. But was I?
Am I? Who was I trying to convince? Other people? Or myself?
These times when I feel numb, devoid of emotion, and really fucking insensitive...am I?
Honestly. Sometimes I feel like the biggest asshole ever because I just keep moving. I feel selfish when I feel "over" something and no one else is.
Anyone see the Bears last night?
I had to smoke a cigarette to shake off the dream. And still that didn't really work.
The dream was stupid really, and all due to the subject matter of a book I'm reading right now.
There were vampires chasing us and the only thing we had to fight them were a few very long nails and some hammers. (The dream kicked off at my mom's house and the woman has no real tools to speak of. Good luck fixing anything.)
So, yeah, I wake up and I'm all scared of vampires coming to kill me in my sleep.
I've been really stressed out lately.
I'm watching my friends go through what we're all going through. And I was affected a lot at first. And now, I'm not as acutely aware of feeling anything as I once was.
I suppose I can chalk this up to an old coping mechanism.
Growing up, when shit got bad at home and people were around to see it, I'd immediately start the "make everyone else feel comfortable because this is totally normal and there's no reason for alarm" process. Changing the Subject was a well-honed skill early on.
Whenever anything bad happened, I just tried to forget about it. But was I?
Am I? Who was I trying to convince? Other people? Or myself?
These times when I feel numb, devoid of emotion, and really fucking insensitive...am I?
Honestly. Sometimes I feel like the biggest asshole ever because I just keep moving. I feel selfish when I feel "over" something and no one else is.
Anyone see the Bears last night?
posted by LC Greenwood at 1:30 PM
3 Comments:
I stumbled across your blog and this..."I feel selfish when I feel "over" something and no one else is." ...caught my eye.
Do you actually feel selfish? .....or do others tell you that you're selfish?
Excellent question!
1st, thanks for reading. Your poems are awesome.
2nd. I feel selfish. No one's told me a damned thing. That's what makes it so maddening.
There is no part of you that is selfish. And considering who it's coming from, please take it to heart. If I don't feel it, no one else is. Except you. And I understand the past finding its way into the present.
But you have been nothing but supportive, loving, caring and giving. All of those are unselfish acts. Tonight is a prime example.
Post a Comment
<< Home