I Try Not to Think About It...

... He said of her inquiries.

I try not to think about it
He said of her arguments.

I try not to think about it
He said of her reminders.

I try not to think about it
He said of her feelings.


I too, will try not to think about it as I just try not to think about it...yeah...
I got nothin;.

Old Friend...

"Ah! There you are! My old friend, Panic! How have you been!"
"Well, you know, kind of lonely with out you."
"Well, here we are together again. I was wondering why I was feeling so strong and sure of myself. I was almost convinced you wouldn't be back. But here you are. And right at home in the pit of my stomach, hammering away at my chest, squeezing up into my throat and out my eyes pushing out those tears!"
"Yes, it's good to be back!"

Fuck, I know this was the right thing.

Why can't I convince my heart?

Anger

In my anger I tend to act rashly. My laundry is my laundry. There is no need to air so much of his. So, there it is.

So Far so good...

Went to see my grandma today. she's dooing her rehab, and as far as I can tell, she's kicking ass. It was nice to see her. about the present circumstances, she said:
"He's not ready."

And I think she's right.

Baggage.

I have got to stop bringing so much crap over to a boyfriend's house. Damn near gave myself a fucking hernia getting all that shit out of there. I thought I had gotten most of my clothes when I was getting ready to end this myself and put most of them in the laundry bag. Yeah, doing laundry was an incovenience too. Anyway, I've got most of it now except for a few odds and ends that I'll need to get at a later date as they were in the garage and I couldn't get to them.

My therapist told me that no matter what the outcome of this relationship, I'd walk away learning a lot. And I did. I did this one that best that I could. I tried to maintain open lines of communication. Except the last month or so. I'd been keeping things to myself afraid that if I did say anything that it would be "I gotta get the hell out of here." I loved him cautiously this time. I tried to keep my heart safe. I think I did a good job of that.

It's funny, I have at least 5 or 6 breakup letters I started and never finished. I just never wanted to give up. I'm not a quitter.

He used to say that he was putting more into the relationship than I was. I look back and I think of all the things I did to meet his needs...trying to lose weight. Smoking less, drinking less, wracking my brain for other ways I could improve so that he would love me more. I did so much. I would have moved mountains for him if he let me. But he always got there first, moved them, and then blamed me for not moving them myself. It was impossible for me NOT to be a burden. I was "his responsibility."

I am very sad. My head tells me that all of the above is reason to be thrilled that I'm free of all that. But the truth is, I loved the guy. Sometimes, I felt very safe with him. He made me laugh. He did know me enough to be able to tease me about stuff that I didn't mind being teased about.

And now, I get to start the process of waking up in the morning, possibly throwing up, not eating and generally feeling like shit for the next few months. I'm kind of scared of it.

Honestly, there is a part of me that is just tired. So tired, that that part doesn't even care anymore. So, maybe this will be a shorter mourning period. I just have to try not thinking about the good things and focus on the bad. Perhaps my head will be able to convince my heart that this is the best thing.

And maybe, one day, my Prince will come.

meh.

So it Goes...Again.

Why did you love me? I ask myself that now as I struggle to shed these perceptions you've heaped upon me.
I resent the absence of a quick answer when I know why I am lovable. Just not to you.
I will not wallow in self pity.
I suppose I will lose that ten pounds though...so, thank you.
I can go back to writing about ME without shame or fear of your dirision.
You never really understood me. You thought you did...in a really condescending way. Like you knew better FOR me. My past was nothing to celebrate or laugh about or treasure for the wealth of wisdom it afforded me. It was a liability. Something you needed to turn me away from so that girl didn't exist anymore. So that when you sit around with your friends you can talk to them about me without having to hide my humanness from them. From yourself.

Everything is superficial. Appearances.

I will be with someone who is awe of me. Because I am awe inspiring. I am beautiful. He will love me because of -not in spite of my flaws.

Relief

Maggie is in good spirits, laughing, albeit weakly and only with one side of her body, but she's laughing. That is good. She looked like she does when she wakes up in the morning. So, my fears were assuaged.

She's got a long road of rehab ahead of her, but if I know my Maggie, she'll be up and running before we know it.

Big thanks and Props to our Blessed Mother. Thank you for looking after her.
:)

The Old

OK, so yesterday I got all Catholic on the blog. An explanation:
My grandmother is in the hospital. She had a stroke. And then she clocked her head on a table on her way down to the floor necessitating 14 stitches and staples. And then she had a heart attack. However. She is awake, alert, and according to my mother a little sharper than she was before. Leave it to Mom to crack a joke.

A couple years ago, my grandfather, heretofore referred to as "Papa", got the cancer. He had his esophagus removed. His prognosis was that the cancer would come back in 3 years. It's been 3 and 1/2 I think. So, we've all been nestled nicely in denial's warm embrace of warming warmth for some time now.

This is different. There's a crack now in that cocoon. My grandmother, heretofore referred to as "Maggie", is 81 years old. The Old is starting to get her. She's a Cancer survivor as well. Breast Cancer. That was close to 20 years ago. Again, our family kept denial wrapped around us...or maybe it was just faith, that Maggie would be ok. And she was.

I want to say that now. Maggie is going to be ok. She is going to live forever. She probably is going to be ok. For now. But she's not going to live forever. And the realization is heartbreaking.

Maggie wears Estee by Estee Lauder. It's fragrance that is unique to her. I never smell it anywhere else. That scent is love and hugs and pretty things. I can walk into my mother's house and smell her in the air only to be told she was there 2 days before.

When I was a little girl, she used to take me on "erins". That was childspeak for "errands". We'd stop at Alice's Bridal Shop to visit and the shop girls would take me in back and let me try on veils. After that, we'd stop at the butcher shop...now a Koenig and Strey...and the butcher would give me a piece of bologna, which I would promptly bite into a smiley face. Then we'd go back to her house, and we'd have powdered donuts and orange juice. I'd sit waiting for the cuckoo clock to go off. It was a real cuckoo clock too. From Germany.

When I slept there, I'd wake up in the morning and listen for the Grandmother clock in the hall to chime no less than 7 times...that wasn't too early to be up. We'd eat Frosted Mini Wheats for breakfast. I never wanted to go back to my house.

Whenever anything got really bad at home, Maggie reminded me what love feels like.

I'm scared to go see her today. When Papa got out of the hospital he was so thin I hardly recognized him. I've never seen Maggie without her hair done...she gets it done every Saturday and sleeps in a night bonnet to keep it neat.

Mom says she's a little hard to understand and her right side isn't working. That's going to be hard to take. My grandparents were always strong and healthy and capable. They kept us safe.

But, she'll be ok. I hope she's out of ICU tonight. I want to bring her Yellow Roses.

Maggie loves yellow roses.

Calling in the Big Guns

Remember, Oh Most Gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to Your protection, implored Your help, or sought Your intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly to You, Oh Virgin of Virgins, my Mother. To You I come, before You I stand, sinful and sorrowful. Oh Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitons, but in Your mercy, hear and answer me.

Hail Mary, full of Grace! The Lord is with Thee. Blessed are you amoung women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death. Gentle Mother, quiet light, Morning Star, so soft and bright. Gentle Woman, Peaceful Dove, teach us Wisdom, Teach us Love.

Amen.

"I've been feeling a little less-than", she told the world today.
"Less than what?"
"Everything" was her reply.