It's Official. I am A Nerd.

Why?

Because when walking down a street and a friend starts riffing a vocal jam and I turn around and exclaim...yes exclaim...as in "said in an excited way"...

"HEY! That's the theme from V!",

Proves it.

I think I need to just face it.

Yes... the still carded Star Wars figures prove it.
Yes...my growing collection of books by Orson Scott Card proves it.
Yes...my copy of Star Wars trivial pursuit proves it.
Yes...The G Force Comics I own prove it.

Good Lord.

Where's my 12 sided die? I got the latest D&D Module! That's right. I said MODULE! Cuz that's what they were called!!!!!!!!!

Falling into Fall

I woke up this morning to my alarm shrieking and opened my eyes and it was still dark outside.

This is it. The big push into Autumn.

The Lake was a nasty bitch this morning...and I was glad. The sky had that swollen cloudy fall look to it and it was as if the Lake and the sky were warring with each other.

Fall is, well, difficult for me. There's a lot that happens in a person's life in the Fall. But mostly, for me, it represents things that once were and that brings on a longing and a loneliness. The smells mostly.

It reminds me of school.
It reminds me of College.
It reminds me of my first real love.
It reminds me of the day he left me to move east.

And then there's the practical stuff...
Soon, it will HURT to go outside.
I'm going to have to start wearing socks.
My skin is going to fade into that sallow winter look.

However, lest you think all is lost...
Halloween and Thanksgiving are coming. Two of the Holy Trinity of Holidays.
At least for me.
So, I look forward to that.

But the change is hard.

It's all a Mystery

So, here's this Flaming Lips song that I've been obsessed with for the past two weeks... I know... Reprinting lyrics is not only illegal, it's also just plain tacky... but I have to.

"I thought I was smart - I thought I was right I thought it better not to fight -
I thought there was a
Virtue in always being cool - so when it came time to
Fight I thought I'll just step aside and that time would
Prove you wrong and that you would be the fool -

I don't know where the sun beams end and the star
Light begins it's all a mystery

Oh to fight is to defend if it's not
Now than tell me when would be the time that you would stand up
And be a man - for to lose I could accept but to surrender
I just wet and regretted this moment - oh that I - I Was the fool

I don't know where the sun beams end and the star
Light begins it's all a mystery
And I don't know how a man decides what right for his
Own life - it's all a mystery

Cause I'm a man not a boy and there are things
You can't avoid you have to face them when you're not prepared To face them

- If I could I would but you're with him now it'd do no good I
should have fought him but instead I let him - I let Him take it -

I don't know where the sun beams end and the star
Light begins it's all a mystery
And I don't know how a man decides what right for his
Own life - it's all a mystery"

So, that's how I've been feeling a lot these days... but I like this song because there's a kind of acceptance in it. There's no panic. It's just the way life is. And we go through tests every day that challenge our beliefs of how we believe the world should be or how our lives should be going.

So, again. Don't panic, fight the monster and remember... no more nights in the alley.

Diary of a Dork

I am in 6th grade again.
The cool kids are out to get me.
Why?

Everyday is the same. The dread. What will they say to me today? At what point during the day will I cry? At what point will I snap and just run away?

"Ignore them"
But they're so loud.
"They're just jealous"
But they've made it clear I posses nothing to be jealous of.
"Try and rise above it"
But I feel buried and my hands hurt from all the digging.

What did I do? What did I say? Where does all the hate come from?

And I can't hate back. That's the maddening part. Like a loyal dog I'd give anything for a scrap of attention. Approval. Validation. I WANT them to like me. I WANT to fit in.
And then I lack integrity.

One day I'll be beautiful and strong and this stigma that sets me apart will one day change to unique.

One day, I will grow up.

Tower Beach

I was watching the lake again this morning from the bus. She was rumbling up a storm. I watched as the waves crashed the beach and thought "Those would be PERFECT for body surfing" and then I remembered...

My mom used to take us to the beach. Summers in the days before our move to Glenview, we didn't have a pool, and so on those sweltering days we'd come inside to get some relief from the heat. If we opened the refrigerator and saw the big pitcher filled with Kool Aid... we knew. We were going to the beach.

We'd all pile into mom's 1979 Camaro Rally Sport (complete with T-tops and a power booster to make the music LOUD), armed with blankets, towels, The Kool Aid, sandwiches and my mom's beat box. We'd start the cruise to the beach.

"Are we there yet?"
"Do you see the Tower yet?"
"No."
"Are we there yet?"
"Do you see the Tower yet?"
"YES!!!"

Tower Beach. This was not Gilson Park where the rest of the lemmings of the Northshore beached. This beach, while public, was hidden behind a wall of woods and a windey path that led you down to the lake. This was not a crowded beach. It was ours.

My two brothers and I would take off running towards the water right away. And it was ALWAYS freezing. But what was a little cold water compared to a 7 year olds desire...no, NEED to swim??? I'd jump right in. My brothers....well, they began to say I was cold blooded because of my blatant disregard for the 65 degree water.

"You get USED to it!"

In the end, they'd get in. My little brother with his white blond hair...barely 3 in his little water wings and a t shirt. My mother had accidentally let him get a little burnt the last time, so it was tshirts from then on.

The rest of the day was spent cavorting on the beach...digging holes...seeing how long it would take to hit water...building sand castles (yes, sometimes the lesser Star Wars figures made it to the beach with us)..eating the sandwiches mom made that always managed to get sand in 'em. My mom made the BEST kool aid.

Sometimes we'd go exploring in that wall of woods. There were paths built on the dunes. I remember it being very quiet. Sun filtering through the trees... looking back on it it really was a magical place.

Then the sun would start getting low and it'd be time to pack up the car again and head home. The black vinyl seats in the Camaro imposible to sit on. Our skin tight from sand and lake water and sun.

"Hose off before you get in the house".

But sometimes, the trip wasn't done yet. Every once in a while with the radio blaring and the T Tops off Mom would turn to us with a grin..

"You wanna take the ravines home?"

Oh yeah... we'd veer off the main drag and drive up into some of the twistiest-turniest roads you've ever seen, and although we were probably only doing about 20, in that car it felt like we were careening towards certain death. Fast Cars and Rock and Roll. So cool. I remember when songs I liked came on and I'd pray that we wouldn't get home until I heard the whole thing...

Home...there'd be some song on the radio and Mom would pull into the garage and say

"Wait...let's wait for the end of this song."

And then we'd go hose off, dry off, go inside and get ready for dinner.

God those were some good days...

And here comes the hangover...

Going out during the week=fun=consequences... but you know what? I don't care. Because I had fun.

Music is very healing.

that is all.

If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.

Thoughts

There's always that one moment in a past relationship that slams into your memory and makes your heart hurt. Never trust anyone who knows less about rock music than you. The Lake was glassy this morning. Acting happy does actually create a certain amount of happiness. Tragically, some boys are just pretty to look at. But that's about as far as it goes... then it's just ...dim. Funniest line on Television this week: "Magic, you fickle bitch."

COPS! In MORTON GROVE...

Approximately 8:30 PM Glenview, IL

It was my Freshman year of College and I was home for Christmas Break. It was Friday night and we were scrambling to find a place to drink. Our old Standby "GuywiththeTrailer" didn't live in the trailer anymore since his sister crashed her car into it and while trying to back away from it, managed to crash into the one behind her and knock it over.
Yes, she in essence knocked over someone's house with her car.
And yes, there was a time when I hung out and partied In a Trailer.
Long story short, our options for unsupervised hanging out were severely limited.

But there was an option. The Vegas Motel. Out in Niles. Word had it that the owner didn't care who rented rooms and you could be as loud as you wanted. My other friends had already partied there once and thought it was awesome. So. We drive out to the Vegas Motel in Niles, IL. Cars stocked with requisite cases and "40's".

Well, we ring the bell and no one answers. Apparently, the Vegas Motel was not renting rooms that night. We were like the Nativity. If by Nativity you mean 8 underage kids trying desperately to find a place to get drunk...just then a voice...

"What about the Admiral Oasis?"
"What?"
"The Admiral Oasis...over there in Morton Grove. It's huge. No one will bother us."

We'd found our Manger.

OK, so back in the cars and onward to our destination. We were giddy with the anticipation of outright rebellion.

Tallguy had a fake ID. He booked the room. We were in business.
"Ok, let's go find the room!"
"YAY!"
The Admiral Oasis is a wrap-around courtyard terrace walkway type situation and we had no idea how the number system worked and so we made several trips back and forth on the open walkway.
"Hey, you guys, I think those cops are looking at us."
"Nu-uh. Just keep moving...Don't' look at them, they won't look at you."

Find the room. Coats off, TV on. AH PORNOGRAPHY! And Red Carpet...on the walls...and a mirror above the bed...
We quickly set about to the business of opening beers...setting up a table on which the weed would be de-seeded and rolled into big fattys...the party had started. Then one of the girls piped up...

"You guys, I need to find a payphone. I gotta call my boyfriend. In Ohio."

To choruses of "Oh COME ON!" and "We really shouldn't call attention to ourselves here..." she left.

The party continued.

I was sitting on the floor, two of my girlfriends were on the bed with tow of the other guys just horsing around laughing about the weird mirror on the ceiling, providing play by play commentary on the porn we were watching.

Suddenly a knock at the door.
"Who is it?"
"Guys it's me. Open the door."
"NOPE! You left now you can't come in!"
"No, seriously, you guys, let me in."

We opened the door and there was our friend with two very large police officers who quickly pushed past her and wielded their flashlights at us yelling
"EVERYONE FREEZE!"
But not before the guy who had been cleaning the weed stood up from the table and made a quick retreat to the other side of the room.
Now I was basically shitting myself.
I'm 18.
I'm drinking.
and there's about a quarter of an ounce of pot 2 feet away from me.
The cops start in on us.
"WHO'S DRUGS ARE THESE???"
No one speaks.
Now, I should stop here and mention that on the TV was an extreme closeup of a woman receiving and extreme rimjob.
"Um, officer, could you um, turn the TV...off.."
"SHUT UP!"
"no, really, please, could you turn that off?"
The cop turns around ad looks at the TV, which by the way is suspended from the ceiling so he is now face level with this woman's ass and the tongue attacking it.
"HOLY SHIT... Just WHAT in the HELL is going on in here? WHO'S DRUGS ARE THESE?"
No one speaks... except for the ASSHOLE who's drugs they were.

"C'mon you guys, fess up...who's are they?"

I wanted to scream THEY'RE YOURS YOU DICK!" but I was paralyzed with fear. I was still locked in the image of my mother finding out about this. Being picked up from yet ANOTHER police station late at night... I started to cry.

"Listen kids, either you tell us who's drugs these are, or we bring the dogs in. Cuz where there's this there's gotta be more."

Then he radios in to the station.

"Yeah, we're gonna need a wagon down at the Admiral.."

That's when I snapped. I began sobbing and screaming at the same time.

"WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE DRUGS! LOOK!"

I began emptying out my coat pockets...my gloves and cigarettes and cellophane and foil from said cigarettes flying and landing in a mess in front of me...

Just then, the sergeant comes in...

"OK guys, ID's."

We were all more than happy to comply.

(I had returned to my upright fetal position rocking back and forth the 'mymotherisgoingtokillmeimsodead' mantra churning in my brain)

And as he looked over the ID's, amusement lit up his face. He flipped through them he discovered that he was dealing with a bunch of kids from Glenview, Wilmette, and Evanston... we weren't criminals. We were a bunch of Northshore college kids doing what college kids do. So, he tells his boys:

"Cite 'em for Underage Drinking and let 'em go." And then he turned to us.

"Kids don't you have basements at home you can do this in??"

"Uh, no sir, all our parents are home."

"Well, don't come Here. We just had a shooting here 2 days ago. This is NOT a place where you should be hanging out. BAD things happen here."

Sensing we were out of immediate danger, and in an effort to chat it up with our new friends GirlwithBoyfriendinOhio chirps:

"Are you guys wearing bullet proof vests??"

Then it came time to flush the pot. Still seething from ASSHOLE's denial of the whole thing and relieved I was getting off so easy and my mother would NEVER find out about this...I jumped and asked

"Can I do it???"

And I did. And it was good.

So, that was our big brush with the law. We got off easy. Tallguy...not so much. As a result of having a fake ID he had a whole other set of problems to deal with...AND he actually took the fall for the weed. Totally took one for the team. One of the coolest things anyone has ever done.

To this day, the girls never let me live down my freak out and pocket emptying episode.

But they don't understand.

My mother really would have fucking killed me.

Ah, Horoscopes...

According to my oracle, today September 2 is supposed to be a ridiculously good day. So good in fact I'm supposed to CIRCLE IT IN RED. This entire month there's some celestial movement in my house of TRUE LOVE (wuv, twoo wuv...) that hasn't been seen in like a billion years. So, we'll see. I'm going bowling tonight. I don't know about you guys, but I really believe in the aphrodisiac affects BOWLING can have on a body. (Insert John Turturro licking bowling ball here).

Yesterday was Scribbley

I'm feeling a little more like LC today.
Had a dream there was a beast that needed it's ass kicked and I did it. Twice.

Had a long talk with The Older Brother last night. We discussed my entrance into this period of life called "Adulthood" where our parent's opinions just don't have to matter as much as they used to. And how many times we make steps towards a course of acton and stop because we're worried about what mom and dad and the respective step parents will think. Well, fuck it right? I'm almost 30 goddamned years old. What are they gonna do? Ground me? Send me to my room? Call me selfish? Well, hell, we're all selfish sometimes. And it's not my responsibility to be perfect all the time and unreasonable expectations are just that. Unreasonable.

In other news...
What I learned from drinks with folks from work:

If sharks were on land they wouldn't be as scary...even if they were camouflaged or had a cloaking device or similar. Only that as they uncloaked, the "Klingon Bird of Prey Uncloaking Music" must play.

That the above proves that I am a complete and total dork.

That apparently old people are unphased and can continue eating while barraged with f-bombs and conversations about pain killers and bowel movements.

Wild at Heart is NOT the Christian Slater monkey heart movie.

That I work with some pretty twisted, but very cool people.
Thanks guys!