Frightening

There is something profoundly wrong with a society that bases it's election on the "lesser of two evils."

The way I see things is this:
Republicans will tell you:

Elect Kerry, and the terrorists win. The European Union takes over and we slowly die as a nation. Oh, and possibly face a terrorist attack the dwarves 911 by epic proportions.

Democrats will tell you:
Elect Bush and you've doomed the US to Global Hatred and possible Nuclear War. Also, Bush has single handedly wrecked and hypocritized everything good about what this country stands for and is evil evil evil. Traveling overseas? Better dust off that Canadian flag.

I said before that I lean Right. I do. I admit that. That I'm qualifying it shows how spin affects me. And I'll tell you what else is driving me CRAZY. The notion that this is the first time something like this has happened. And that this war is unique in some way. Look, the Democrats and Republicans are in a constant battle for power and money (I'm talking the suits in Washington), and we are little more than fans watching a football game.

I've done some reading. The fact is, Republicans have held the majority now for what? 2 terms? They have the power. And the Democrats are tired of it, so now they're gonna do anything they can to wrest that power back. If the roles were reversed, the Republicans would do the same thing. And they did. Interns and Blowjobs anyone?

So, now the cry is "BUSH LIED! There were no WMDs! It was all a sham!!!" Was it though? How do we know? Where do we get our information? From the press. The media. Who would just as soon suck the collective dicks of the Republicans as they would the Democrats depending on who's paying more. And right now, I think the Democrats are paying more.

And I don't say that because I'm a Republican. Look, back when Clinton was in all that trouble, I was on the Out for Blood bandwagon. I'll admit it. I was all "he's the President! He should be setting an example..bla bla bla..." And yeah, maybe he should have. But that's not the only reason why I was saying it. The media was doing a really good job of making sure that was my opinion. (Who was paying more then?) I was saying it because I was and have been indoctrinated into a way of thinking. We all have. It's got very little to do with the names of the teams. It's all about "We're right and they're wrong." Pick a team and root for it! Republicans vs. Democrats. New York vs. Boston. Northside vs. Southside. It's all frighteningly similar.

And on his appearance on Crossfire, Jon Stewart was dead right. It seems that the candidates who know they're not going to win have much more freedom to express themselves. To say what's really on their minds. To act like real people. Not the puppets we're left with after the primaries.

I'm talking out of my ass right now. I guess my main point is that I question the motivations of ALL our leaders. And you can bet your ass we won't have a president on the 2nd. It'll be 4 years ago all over again.

I don't know the answer, and I realize that none of this rhetoric is unique to me. I've just never really taken an active, informed interest in politics and how they affect our country and our people until now. And I still have SO much catching up to do. This is just what I've picked up so far.

Maybe this is all indecisive bullshit made up to absolve me from any fault when election time comes. I don't know.

I do know that I'm lucky. My brother came home alive. Other people can't say that about their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, mothers and fathers.

Something needs to change. Any ideas?

EDIT: I just now read this article...

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/10/27/EDGA79GRPF1.DTL

Check it out...

t Minus 15 Days...

Til THIS kid comes home!

Snap Snap Snap...

Reconstruction of my heart
take a last drag stamp it out
dream of you over me on in me through me.
Quiver in my body reaches for you
in the middle of waking finds
nothing cold sheet next to me
unslept pillow lies
lonely next to mine.

----------------------------------

I was wond'ring if you'd call me tonight
to make some noise in the room there.
I was wond'ring if you'd call me tonight
to ask me out on a limb shaking underfoot.
I was wond'ring if you'd call me tonight
to share some smoke between us two
laughing at your face.
I was wond'ring if you'd call me tonight
waiting by the phone candles lit
waiting wond'ring if you'd call me tonight.

------------------------------------------

Ode to the Contents of a Pocket:

Some change from a few packs of smokes,
a guitar pick, a golf tee-cellophane from
aforementioned packs of smokes.
A button lost with the intention
of being found- sits on the dresser,
on the nightstand, on the coffee table-
to be put back in the pocket added to
it an ATM receipt or maybe an MAC
where you come from an L card
maxed out a lighter-who'd I steal that from?
Bottle caps-yep I really drank 12.
A label torn perfectly from her Heineken-
I'll collect on that later. Back to the dresser
back to the nightstand back to the coffee table
and whoops into the laundry.
Some camel cash or parliament proof-of purchase-
I'll cash em in pretty soon.
A pen it's amazing what
fits in there. A to-do list with the best of
intentions-don't throw that out there's a
number I need.
A thing of lipstick-
Oh yeah, I said I'd hold it for her last night.
A condom cuz hey, you never know where
you might end up. A Canadian dime-
damn vending machines don't take those.
Back to the dresser return to the nightstand
leave it on the coffee table-
the life I carry in my pocket

I'm out... good nights everyone!

Off My Ass Please.

Politics.
Uck. With the election coming up soon it's nearly impossible to avoid discussions about politics, opinions about politics, fights about politics...

I'm a Catholic Republican. There. I said it. God. Seriously, it's like it's fucking 400 AD and I'm a Christian hiding from the Romans.

It's extremely unpopular to be a Republican in this town. It was how I was raised. And this year I've done a lot of reading to see if, truly, this is my choice and not just a matter of indoctrination. Well, it's both. It's just like Religion folks. You get taught a certain way of thinking, and it becomes a part of who you are. You can convert, but there will always be a part of you that holds on to those old paradigms.

I'm a conservative girl. I'm not really much of a feminist. I'd like to be a wife and mother some day.

So, it's out in the open now.
I'm ready to be thrown to the lions now.

This is Hard...

So, I'm going through all this old stuff I've written over the last 5 years... and I find myself editing my writing in my head deciding what I want to put up here and what writings are going to communicate what about me? So, I'm going to ignore the impulse to hide and just put some of this stuff out there.

God help me.

First: This is something I wrote at the behest of Artgirl at the Pick Me Up Cafe in Wrigleyville. We used to hang out there every Wednesday after work, and then head on over the The Elevated for dreamy boys doing stand-up comedy. We became a fixture at these two places and are still considered the old War Horses over at The Elevated. It's kind of cool actually... Anyway, Artgirl asked me to write about a girl who lives in an apartment whose window looks right across the alley in to another apartment, occupied by a very dreamy guy.
"GO!" she said.
So, I went, and here's what came out:

"My apartment faces east" She said, to no one in particular. "And I know everything about him-the guy who lives across the way. I watch him as the sun comes up going through his morning routine, morning latte, morning bagel, morning paper, Mornin' Sunshine!"

"I've named him Jack for I'm too afraid to find out otherwise. But soft what light through yonder window breaks...he is my sun. Sighs escape my lips as I imagine a life for this doll of mine. He's a writer with an antique picture frame belonging to his grandmother. He reads Tolstoy for fun and has a Subscription to the New York Post. He's an aspiring chef-one day a meal will be for me. Through my binoculars I watch him on the phone discussing saving the world-Oh my knight in Khaki armor! Or maybe he's a curator for the Smithsonian - he has their coffee table book. No-Maxim gives him away."

"I was walking on the bridge that crosses the river to my house . Locked in my fantasy I was startled to look up and find him approaching me. 'He has no idea' I mused, smiling at the thought.
'That's the prettiest thing I've seen all day.' He says to me and walks on.
Do I respond? Do I finally ask his name, ask him up? I pause. No. Because all those nights I draw the drapes to avoid seeing someone who is not me causes me to keep him a dream-ghost-untarnished by bitter truth. He will forever remain my perfect love-locked away secret."

Ok, now, looking back on what I thought was BRILLIANT at the time, I see now that I wrote about a stalker. Jesus God.

From the Quotable LC and Artgirl:
(after winning a free Budweiser T-shirt)
LC: "HEY! That's sleepwear, baby!"
Artgirl: "And if this was the South, it'd be my weddin' dress!"

One more...

My hand is shaking.
If my hand reached out
will it find an empty place
No space for love in the cold

Wanna see my sunburn?
I'll take you in the back and
let you meet me on the sinking ship
Satellite of love in the sea
waking breaking on the shore

Who are you I whisper in the gloom
my legs quaking your mouth glides
along the wake leaving a trail
of making me tremble
with the taking of my youth.

And on THAT note...

Good days Everyone!

Old stuff...

For those that have known me for longer than 2 years, you'll know that Once Upon a Time in America, I used to carry around a black book with black pages and a groovy silver pen. In this book, I'd write down just about everything. Poems, stories, quotes...the quotes are my favorite...it was my analogue blog. HA! I just thought of that! Clever girl.
anyway... It's funny.. some of the stuff is over 5 years old, but it still rings true. Which in a lot of ways gives me pause... but anyway...

Here's some stuff...

Actually, I'll begin by being extra girly:

"The right coffee shop is paramount for a proper healing. A place to go where the lights are low to hide the teary eyes and less than perfect skin. A place with a cute waiter to take one's mind off the present pain the present hurt and turn it towards mindless giggling with the girls. Good coffee Good tea Good Times to smooth out life's wrinkles. A place to go and know there is no bottom to the cup and no timer on the chair. Someplace to go when you thought you had no- where to go. A place filled with smiles and stories and ashtrays. Welcoming and comfortable. Safe." - an Ode to Don's coffee house in Rogers Park.
--------
And From the Quotable Roommate and Best Friend in the Universe:
"She might as well have sat on his face."
--------
She told him she thought he was cute.
And he smiled and a blush crept up the back of his neck.
He cleared his throat and got up
to make himself busy
and she smiled and stirred her coffee.
---------
And she said "hello" when you walked into the room.
and at that moment it was the most important word of the day
as you approached her smiling.
And just when you thought nothing sounded sweeter
"how are you?" escaped her lips
in a murmur of concern and attention and caring and oh my god she loves you.
An impossibility of woman stands before you
and for that moment-that second, there is peace.

Ok.. that's enough for today... I'll get the first book out and see what I can find in there tomorrow.

Tuesday

The Boy passed his boards! He's been promoted to Sergeant!!!! Woo-Hoo! YAY SGT. BOY!

I don't know...I never thought I'd be cool with this whole military thing...but he's had 2 promotions in a year. I think that's pretty awesome. It means that he's doing his job well. And if you knew my brother, you'd be glad he's on our team. He's pretty kick ass. He's achieving AND Defending the Universe. That's so cool.

Thank you again, weak.

Insert Mama's and the Papa's Tune here...

"Live. Make mistakes. Learn. Grow. Live some more. Go. Or No Go."

Quoted from a comment left to me on last entry by an otherwise anonymous reader...

"No Go" is never an option. One always GOES down one path or another. It's the judgment as a result of that choice that is the matter. I will always go. I will always thrive. I will always be my own girl. I lament simpler days when I didn't know the difference...or at least, didn't care.

I quote Rush "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice." Gone.
And yet more proof that I am an UBER NERD.

Anyhoo...

Monday.

I don't know what to call this...

Everything is changing. Nothing feels the same.
I’ve always felt a measure of predictability in my life even when it seemed out of control. It’s like knowing the ending to a movie that you haven’t seen in a while. But now, I’m watching and I don’t know what comes next. There aren’t any absolutes. There never are. Why do I feel like there once were?

Have I strayed from my true path? Or have I stumbled upon the Road Less Traveled. It’s hard to know how to proceed. It’s hard to know if it’s ok to not know which way to go.

People come in to our lives. There’s no way of knowing how long they’ll stay, if they’re worth the effort, if they’re merely a diversion. How do you know? Is it ok if you don’t? Some take you pretty far away from whom you thought was yourself. But who was that? Is it always changing and I just never noticed the change?

I can’t predict the end. And it’s so frustrating and I want to be able to sit back and relax and enjoy the show. It’s hard to close my eyes and let go.

Although I realize too, that I’ve been waiting for someone to come in and write my story. Maybe I’m just no longer watching from the outside in and therefore I can’t see over my own head to the horizon. It’s frightening. To take over. What if it’s not interesting? What if it’s shameful? What if it sucks? How wonderful to be able to trust that whatever I write down comes from me and therefore is beautiful in it’s own right.

I don’t know what happens next.

Ode to My Cat

I love you.
You are the cutest.
You are so cute when you leap up on an unsteady shelf
and it comes crashing down on the floor breaking everything on it
at 5:55 AM.

Casualties of Cat War:

Countless expensive candle holders
A beautiful LARGE Sno-Globe ( HA! So fun to clean up!)
A Seargent Pepper's Music Box my brother gave me (You had to do that one a few times before you won.)
All but 1 of the Crate and Barrel Wine Glasses
A Lladro figurine from my mother
A Colombina Statue from my grandparents
Picture frames
A Hello Kitty Clock

Mom, your frustration is duly noted.

I can't keep anything nice in the house you little bastard.

Promises Promises

Apparently promises mean nothing.
Apparently there are more important things to keep.

I'll say this... and I've spoken of these things before...

My brothers are my best friends. They've keep me safe
and sane...I always thought it would be appropriate for them
to give me away at my wedding along with my dad. Ha! weddings.

That said, if ANYONE fucks with them, hurts them or does anything other than nice things to them, then they have me to reckon with.

I can't even be eloquent this morning. So, I'll stop, listen to Joni Mitchell, and cool out.

Good Days Everyone...

And The Mood Swings Back and Forth...

There once was a girl. She was pretty ok. She smiled a lot and laughed a lot and had lots of friends. But then one day, the girl met a boy. And she lost her heart to him. And then he broke it into a million pieces.

For a long time, the girl could do nothing but cry. Cry and mourn and hide the pieces in a drawer. And then anger came to visit. And took up a lot of room in that hole where her heart once was. So, all that sadness made friends with the anger which then turned into fear. She became a very difficult person to be around.

After a time, she decided it was time to try and fix it. She got out her tool box, and got to work. She used lots of things. Craft glue, tape, ribbons, and even some glitter. She wanted it to be pretty again. It made her smile everytime she thought of a new way to make it shine again. And she started to feel happy again. She thought maybe now she could put her heart back. So she did.

It seemed to be holding up pretty good in there. She smiled more, and laughed a lot and became a better person to be around. But, soon, it became clear that she hadn't completely moved the Fear out. And her freshly mended heart was having trouble dealing with the sadness that was still there.

And that made her angry which in turn made her sad which in turn made her fearful all over again.

She felt like a mess of a girl. And crawled back under the covers.

Maybe she could add some more glitter tomorrow.