Was this too much?

So, I'm surfing through lavalife yesterday... yes, I do the lavalife...anyway, I came across my ex's ad. Yes, I met him online. Funny thing was, it says it was modified on July 10. The day BEFORE we broke up.

I wrote him this email. Was this too much?

I saw your ad on lavalife. "Last Modified July 10". We broke up on the 11th. Awesome . How unbelievably disrespectful. You are such a DICK I can't even begin to express it.Don't worry. You will NEVER hear from me again. And do me a favor. Stay away from my side of town. And by the way. Really, you should start taking a look at your sexual orientation honestly. You're gay. Really.
1. "Everyone totally thinks I'm gay but I'm not"
2. You wear scented oil.
3. You like sex from behind WAY too much
4. You wear leather pants. And don't give me that song and dance about bikers. It's fucking Village People and you know it.
5. The fact that you had a 3some in college with one girl and another guy
.6. Everyone makes fun of your best friend being boyfriends. It's funny, because it's true.
7. You grabbed so many of your guy friend's asses at Buffett I started getting uncomfortable.
8. You let Dave actually GOOSE you and then giggled about it like a girl. Ew.

All of this is okay now...because I wrote this for me, and because I know that all you'll do is exactly what you do best, keep on running from the things that make you a little too uncomfortable....LIKE TRUTH.
You make me sick. And I'm ashamed to have dated you and opened my heart to you. So, consider me a non-event in your life. And the last thing I leave you with is the knowledge that there is someone out there who truly, truly hates you. And thanks for that. Because I usually can't hate anyone.

Yeah, I thought so too. And in a moment of bipolar disorder apologized to him.

I'm so pathetic.

Because I know I have SO many readers...

Sorry about the lag in entries... took the day off on Friday due to Migraines and late nite conversations...

On Saturday night after a couple glasses of wine I realized I needed some cigarettes. So, I put on my brown velour hoodie and started the walk up to my ghetto liquor store. As I was walking, I had this moment of clarity. It was raining. And I was walking. And I said to myself: "This is my life. I'm walking to the store. Because I decided to. Everything in my life is my choice. And that's ok."

I also realize that I'm still very angry with my most recent ex. I think I've been working very hard to get better and be over him because I know that's what I have to do. As a result I've managed to avoid and delay reactions to what's happened. I've taken to ignoring the feelings when they come up.
Don't think about it.
It's just going to hurt too much.
You'll just want to call him.
So, I don't. I don't cry about him anymore. There's a part of my that's worried about that. Because I can feel this spot inside that's not healed...but I've gotten really good at tying off those spots so the bleeding stops pretty quickly. But maybe it needs to be bled again.

Whatever. I don't know. I just move forward as fast as I can. But then again... maybe in my race to move ahead I'm just avoiding what's actually going on inside me. Maybe that's my next step. To actually sit with myself and look at and actually feel my life as it relates to me and not hid behind what I get from other people.

Something to think about...

When Bad Becomes Kinda Ok...

I dream of the day when I can wake up with Folgers in my Cup and realize that I am truly very happy. That the panic is imagined, my life is not in ruins, and being in transition is a good and healthy thing.

I'd stretch my arms above my head and say, "What's next life? How can I kick your ass today?"
(Insert montage of vigorous boxing training in the north regions of Russia...lots of snow... using piles of rocks as weights...imposing looking men in fur hats driving around in cars with chains on the tires. CHAINS people. Because the weather is so badass up there that CHAINS ON TIRES haven't become illegal...like they are here... oh Rocky...you representative of all that was different between the USA and the USSR, you!...I'm sorry... quite possibly the coolest montage in the Rocky franchise and minus the homo-erotic ocean frolicking between Rock and Apollo) but I digress....

Anyway... mornings like this I realize that I have to do what my bathroom wall says:

DON'T PANIC
FIGHT THE MONSTER
NO MORE NIGHTS IN THE ALLEY!
(yes, postcards collected from bar bathrooms... but their profound messages have stuck with me for almost 5 years now.)
Added to these two cards my mother gave me upon the firing from my last job:
"When you're having the kind of day Folk Singers make a career out of"

and

"Do you ever get the feeling you guardian angel went for a smoke break?"
(sometimes yes, because I'm convinced one of them is my Uncle Ron...and I quote: "Who's driving with me? The Captain has turned the smoking light off!")

Quick question..can anyone tell I've had my coffee this morning???

Point is, I woke up this morning feelin' kinda poorly. But, I've made myself giggle a little.
And I guess that's the secret sometimes isn't it? A little coffee, a couple of smiles and "good mornings", but mostly laughing.

Laugh long, laugh hard, and by God laugh with your whole body.

Good days everybody!

Inside jokes....

My brother Bob is one of the funniest people I know.

My friend splashing in a pool asking "What movie am I in?" and then exclaiming
"ORDINARY PEOPLE!" is STILL funny in my head.

I need to stop reading books about Avalon as I am tempted to call down the Goddess myself and start smiting folks.

Andy is awesome. And by Awesome I mean in a totally Brad Pitt, George Clooney, meets Jack Black kind of way.

I think Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash vs. Seabiscuit is a play that NEEDS to happen.

Leslie, I am awesome, thanks for asking...

Check back periodically... this'll be an ongoing entry today...

Apparently "dead-panning" is a good thing (see Windy City Times review of Meaningless)

So it Goes

There's a line in my show... "But, like a rat in one of those experiments I went back... only instead of choosing the cheese I keep choosing the electrocution button..." or something like that.

I decided I was ready to start the dating again. And why not? There's NO reason that I shouldn't get back out there and have some fun... only once again...due to bad habits, inconscious habits, habits formed from unmet needs, it just starts to stress me out. And it's no longer fun.

Was I pretty enough?
Was I funny anough?
Oh shit, I talked too much.
I'm too opinionated.
Is he going to call?
Should I call?
NO I shouldn't call.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN????

My brother calls these questions the voices of inner gremlins. I wish they'd just shut the fuck up for 5 minutes so I didn't feel like an emotionally crippled social retard.

Christ.

OH and by the way... is there a rule somewhere that says guys that start out really cool at the beginning of an evening are required after a certain amount of alcohol to turn into the kind of 5 year old kids you find yourself wanting to kick in the face? Or is that just me??

Happy Monday!

Late today...

Protip: Just because a really good chick movie comes on USA, one does not need to drink a quarter of a jug of wine.

My head....

I'm taking the bus to work these days. It's so much nicer than taking the Red Line. And By the Red Line I mean the train that smells the most like pee.

On the bus, I get to ride on Lake Shore Drive...in my opinion one of the most beautiful stretches of road on Earth. On the west side, you've got the Chicago Archetecture Sampler and to the East... the Lake.

Lake Michigan. What can I say about her? As close to an ocean as the midwest can get..and if you've seen it, it's pretty damn close. There are places up north where people actually surf her. I've seen breakers at least 4 feet high, and then I've seen her like I saw her this morning... glassy. Totally still. Serene.

That's really all I had today. Just the impression of the Lake this morning. It was beautiful.

Lessons in Humility

Our generation is extremely arrogant.
Or maybe it's just me.
You grow up with this sense of entitlement.

I'll conquer the world!
I'll be famous!
I'll be PRESIDENT!

And you go to school. And you get your degree. And you get out there and suddenly, you're alone. There's no one holding your hand. But that only serves to strengthen your resolve to succeed. To win. To be perfect. But only if it doesn't compromise the enormous wall of pride and idealism you've bulit up around yourself.

And suddenly you're 29 and you're still answering phones because somewhere along the way, you might have pissed off the wrong people, decided what you were doing didn't really matter in the long run becasue one day YOU were going to be great... but fuck them right? You know who you are and what you stand for and FUCK THEM for being callow.

But then, one day. Reality. You need to eat. You need a home. And there ain't no husband around the corner to do it for you and your parents have had about enough of your overdeveloped idealism. It's time to play the role of a lifetime.

And you look around you and realize that other people are doing it. But they're doing it better and you're still answering phones with a degree that your parents dropped 20 grand a year on. And you are suddenly looking at Reality, Adulthood, and Life square in the face and truly fear looking back on your life and realizing you did nothing of real value.

And that things aren't going to be handed to you and the only thing you're entitled to is that which you work for.

And you find that you have to be ready to start.

Integrity

I never want to change for anyone.

You used to say I was an "angry person".
What does that mean? That I actually say what's on my mind? My comment on winter almost being here ijn June is somehow a reflection of my character? Maybe. But Come ON! I've lived here my whole life. Time is moving quicker. It was just a thought!

Perhaps I am just bitter and jaded and used up.
But I can still laugh hard and long and I can still say "Oh I LOVE this song!".

But, Fuck you for presuming to have this enlightened "I want to teach the world to sing" attitude when you can't even be honest with yourself.

At least my anger is mine. My bitterness is mine. My love is mine. My sadness is mine. My joy is mine. I own it. I embrace it and I cherish the ability to express it.

You live lies. Being "Fantastic" all the time will destroy you.

I've had some bad dreams this week ;)

Maybe I'm not supposed to be Famous...

After the show. I walk into the bar across the street. Feeling good about the evening. I had fun. The audience was awesome. I'd hugged my friends goodbye and now it was time to make an appearance .

I open the door. Faces turn towards me. And everyone starts applauding.

There's nothing like "Firsts".

First Kiss.
First Car.
First Sex.
First Orgasm.
First A on a math test (College for me kids)
First Apartment.

First Time Walking into a Bar Full of Strangers and receiving an Ovation.

Damn. It feels good to be a gangsta. Now.
At the moment...completely terrified. And Awkward. And Off Balance.
But I guess I felt the same for all of the above.
huh.

Safe Trip to The Boy!

That's right... back to Germany he goes today. Great news is that his new assigned post is in Louisianna. Not too far to go vistit him. We had a great time this weekend... Cubs game...nice talks...lots of laughing. I'll miss you, Weak....
Best Quote of the Weekend:
"Hey, weak...you see that statue of Harry Carray over there.. the one with all the creepy faces under him?"
"Yes, Weak."
"It reminds me of fucking Dante's Inferno, Weak."

Ah, yes....Weak. Where did the name come from?
Well, once upon a time in America, we had a Star Trek interactive video board game. After a while, we stopped playing the game and just watched the tape as it was some of the funniest shit we had ever seen. The tape was hosted by a Klingon Commander whose job it was to annoy the piss out of you...putting you in stasis fields so you couldn't move around the board, etc. As an added bonus, he'd heckle us as we played. Well, it was from one of the insulting bouts with this Klingon the the name "Weak" originated.

Klingon: "Who is the lowest ranking member of your party?" (this is decided at the beginning of the game I guess" (Pause so you can "answer him")
Klingon: "I will call you Pooge, Klingon for weak."

So, from then on, The Boy and his friends walked around greeting eachother with "Heya Pooge!" And then one day... it was just shortened to "Heya WEAK!" And The Boy and I never gave it up.

So, there you have it. The nickname The Boy and I have have for eachother (besides me calling him The Boy) derives itself from one of the dorkiest sources possible. A Star Trek Board Game.

I love you Weak!


Sidenote: My show opens tonight... reviewers. The potential to hear bad things about me... but also a potential to hear good things... interesting how I always go to the negative first... He he... well, this ain't the Xanax files for nothin' kids...

I have to stop the drinking...

At my mom's in the suburbs and I can't find one damn aspirinadvilmotrinexedrintylenol in the whole damn house...so, it's mornings like these when I say "I have to stop the drinking." And I never do, which then leads me to believe that there "might be a problem". However, there was a story here...oh yes... my two brothers and I attended a party last night at our neighbor's house.

Our "Back Door Neighbors". The lived behind us. They had kids our age growing up. I hung out with the girl, and my little brother hung out with the younger boy. The older boy was my age and we hated eachother. Until we hit puberty and then suddenly (and i didn't find this out until years later) he had a crush on me. But, I didn't know. (See "nonsequiter entry"). Anyhoo, we all hung out for a bunch of years. Hop the fence and we were together. Going to school together, Getting in trouble together. Living through our respective mothers' alcohol problems. Then highschool... different schools. Somehow, The Boy and his friend maintained their friendship. The girl and I quickly discovered that we belonged in different circles. She was already blonde and got pretty and I... smoked pot. So, that was that. The End.

Last night was the first time I had seen her in 10 years. Her words to me "You look exactly the same!" both stung and soothed (at least I'm not aging quickly). And the older brother. HE moved to Texas years ago and has since been married...to a beautiful girl with really gorgeous long brown hair... (A part of me wonders if that was MY influence)... and the girl is getting married tomorrow. To a gorgeous man. No, I'm not on the guest list. Why would I be? Again, it's been 10 years. And that envy swells up again inside me. But I thrust it aside and just enjoy the reunion.

It was good to see them. We have a lot of history and I think each one of us still carries a little of it in our hearts.

Over Drinks....

"Hey, can I buy you a drink?"
"Why, thank you. Yes."
"What's your name?"
"I'm (insert girl's name here)".
"I'm (insert guy's name here)".
"You from around here?"
"Yeah, I grew up in Naperville."
"So, what kinds of music do you listen to?"
"Um, you know, a lot of different stuff."
"Ok, um, what books are you reading now?"
"Um, I don't read much. Don't have a lot of time."
"Wow. That's interesting."
"Yeah, cool, so what do you do?"
"I answer phones and I'm an actress. You?"
"I work for the Board of Trade So, do you do like plays and stuff?"
"Yeah, and films sometimes."
"Anything I would have seen? Cuz my family and I went to see the Lion King and that was pretty cool."
"No... I'm not nor ever was in...The Lion King."
"So. Where do you live?"
"Uptown...Montrose and Clark. You?"
"Lincoln Park. My buddies and I share a place. It's pretty sweet."
"Awesome."

long awkward pause.

"Ok, well, I'm gonna go back to my girlfriends now."
"Right on."
"Thanks for the drink."
"No problem."
"See ya."

Sigh.

"This is the story of the boys who loved you
Who love you now and love you then
Some were sweet, some were cruel and snuffed you
Some just laid around in bed.

Some had crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some had crawled their way into your heart
To rend its ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you..."

-The Decemberists (Her Majesty the Decemberists)

Ah Wednesday...

I'm going home this weekend to visit my little brother before he goes back to Germany and the Army.

What can I tell you about The Boy? Well, for the past 16 months he's been over in Bagdhad Defending the Universe. People ask me all the time if I support the war. I tell them I do. Because well, The Boy believes in it. It's his job. And ultimately, I think we're moving in the right direction. I don't hold wildly popular opinions on this topic, and it makes for lots of arguments...so I TRY not to talk about it. But, I'm proud of The Boy. He's one of the most honorable, kind people I know. And he is one of my heroes. I miss him when he's gone.
In other news...

"I'm not in the mood." She said to no one in particular. For anything. So she made some hot chocolate.

Is it fall? I'm not ready. I'm not ready to put on clothes and shoes and socks and coats. I'm not ready to see the trees, my sisters, change their colors and go to sleep. I'm not ready for the turn of the Wheel. So, how 'bout some warm damn weather. That's all I'm sayin'.

How to Begin?

Envy. No one ever wants to envy...least of all their best friend. It becomes very clear why Envy is one of the Deadlies. Resentment, Anger, Sadness...the Dark Side. That's all Envy serves. (But oh God you miss what you once had.)

Then the realization that this is what she felt and you shrugged it off. Left her to sort it out alone. And you realize how cruel you were. Reminded that you were truly a Fool for Love and wonder how she ever put up with you-forgave you.

You can only hope that she knows how much she means to you and how many gifts she's given you. And while she may think they've gone unnoticed or taken for granted, they fill such a huge place in your heart. And that without her you don't think you would have come out the other side.

And the only thing I can think of to say is:
You are my friend. And I love you.

(style inspired by A. Thank you)

Unreasonable Dread...and weekend antics

I have these mornings. Where my chest feels tight and I can't breathe very well and I can feel the tears making their way up from deep in my chest. I can't explain it. I try not to judge it. I just try and relax and ride it out. This is what I'm being treated for. With the drugs.

What's most maddening is the fear. Unreasonable and unexplained. The trigger is even more infuriating. A guy. A stupid guy. A guy who in my head I know had no idea how good he had it and left anyway. His absence is inexplicably tied to all of this. Although, I'm sure something else would have brought it on had it not been him.

I've been isolated lately. It wears on my friends. They don't know what to do with me. They don't understand that I'm scared to leave the house sometimes. I fear feeling afraid in public which then exacerbates the fear. And I run around in THAT hamster ball for a while.

Mornings like these I feel crazy. Absolutely batshit insane.
Just keep breathing...

In other news... updates from the weekend...

Industry parties are always interesting. You walk around and look around with that same "who should I be talking to?" look everyone else is sporting. Inevitably, everyone gets too drunk to care at a certain point and then it's time to leave before you say something about your last boss to the wrong person, or find yourself making out on the stairs with a co-worker. There's always a moment for me. A switch that goes off that says "I gotta get out of here." So... I get on the Subway and get my ass home.

The dressing room at the theatre I'm working at right now has got to be one of the most disgusting, vomit inducing spaces I have ever had to endure. I've issued a formal complaint that as I don't feel like contracting Ebola any time soon, I'd appreciate it if the theatre would do something about it. As this is NOT a Union house, I'm sure they'll jump right to.

I also did laundry.

/end of line.

Nonsequitor

At the bus stop this morning, I lamented to my roommate, "I can never really be sure if I'm getting vibe from someone. I mean, I can't tell if they're just being nice, or if they're actually interested." Her response: "Dude, so you're a guy." Awesome. I'm recovering from a breakup. Recovering. That's enough to scare anyone away from even getting anywhere near a relationship...but there is one thing in particular that's really chapping my hide. Before I went and fell in love with the asshole, I was ok. I flirted. I felt BRIGHT. I enjoyed looking at attractive men. I enjoyed their attention. And now, in the middle of the fallout, I'm not interested. Everyone says "That's Normal!". Yeah, I KNOW. But this time I'm angry. I want my damn fire back. I'm impatient for it. I want my desire back. Desire that doesn't remind me of him. And how HE made me feel. So what to do... trust the flow. Be patient. Let go. Try not to resent others' happiness. Find strength. Act as if. Breathe. 2:10PM On my way back from my shrink's office I swear to God. I saw a Chicago Police Officer on a damn SEGUE!!! This is truly the End of Days.

I MUST be Interesting!

Ah, Day 2 of the BLOG. Seriously. That word must be spoken with affectation and very wide eyes...

Anyhoo...
Wedding Season. First of all, it's ALWAYS Wedding Season. Anytime someone says "It's Wedding Season!" I want to slap them across the mouth. People get married everyday. That's why you have to reserve your venue 10 years in advance. The only reason why it seems like wedding season is because it's not 50,000 degrees below zero outside, and actually catch glipmses of wedding parties. But that's not what I want to write about today. It's only a weak segue into what I call my Endless Love Rant.


My love, There's only you in my life.
The only thing that's bright.
My first love, You're every breath that I take.
You're every step I make. And I, I want to share, All my love with you.
No one else will do.
And your eyes, Your eyes, your eyes,
They tell me how much you care.
Oooohh yes, you will always be,
My endless love.Two hearts,
Two hearts that beat as one.
Our lives have just begun.
Forever,Ohhhhhh...I'll hold you close in my arms.
I can't resist your charms.
And love,Oh, love, I'll be a fool, For you.
I'm sure, You know I don't mind.
Oh, you know I don't mind.
'Cause you,You mean the world to me.
Oooohh... I know, I've found in you, My endless love.
DOO DOO DOO DOOOooh, and love.
Oh, love, I'll be that fool, For you.
I'm sure, You know I don't mind.
Oh you know, I don't mind.
And, YES, You'll be the only one.
'Cause no one can deny,This love I have inside.
And I'll give it all to you, My love,
My love, my love, My endless love.

Sweet song right? Played at countless weddings across America. But what I need you to know is that this song is the title track to a film of the same name starring Brooke Sheilds and directed by (unbeknownst to me until today and shocking as I was doing my research for this piece) Franco Zeffirelli. For those of you not familiar with this little gem of a film, here's the plot summary as quoted from IMDB (simply because it's put just about as well as I would.)



“Two young kids fall in love with each other. But the passion is too consuming for the parents of Jade. The parents try to stop them from seeing each other. But when this doesn't work David burns down the house and is sent away. This doesn't stop him from seeing her. When he gets out he goes to look for her. But in the end the passion for his first love is too strong and she has to leave or this love will kill both of them.”

Now, I'd like to call your attention to one line in particular. "But when this doesn't work David burns down the house and is sent away." One more time. "David burns down the house". Yes. He BURNS. DOWN. THE. HOUSE. And if that isn't twisted enough for you, what the blurb doesn't tell you is that after David tracks down the since moved object of his desire, he inadvertently causes her dad to be railed by a car and killed. "Dooo doo doo I want to share all my love with you..."

That's Endless Love.

Protip: If you ever meet a couple who's First Dance was Endless Love, set down your drink and back away slowly.

Welcome To My Mind

So, as I have a job that forces me to sit in front of a computer all day, I figured... well, what the hell. Join the revolution. Start a BLOG. Let random e-people read my random e-thoughts. I dunno.

So... I could tell stories...write some fiction...hell, even write some of those "letters you write but don't send."

Anyway, whatever. It's more for me than any of you voyuers out there.. but hey, whatever turns you on I guess.

In the meantime a nice story...

“Take care” she said, not really looking at him as she followed him to the door. She managed to glance at him once as he passed through it and saw a look on his face that confused her. Did he think she was going to beg him? It almost looked like disbelief.
The lock clicked into place and she turned around to go back to her bedroom. The picture had to go. She tore it up quickly, without thinking. Knowing that in times past, moments like these led to squirreling away more bits of nostalgic detritus she had collected.
Not this time.
Into the living room. The pin from the bike rally. Garbage. Tickets stubs from Vegas. Garbage. The clothes! Back to the bedroom…but wait. She LIKES these shirts. To the top shelf of the closet she just moved in to…at the back. Where she won’t see them until she’s better. She just can’t bring herself to throw away good clothes. Back to the living room. Wallet… the sweet nothing she carried with her that meant so much when he wrote it…don’t read it…just tear it up and throw it away. This bandaid WILL come off quickly goddamnit. Camera. Film. Waste it, throw it away. Everything. A 5 month love affair destroyed in one morning. All traces of him removed in under 15 minutes. She called her roommate.

Then she cried.
And then she made a promise to herself. Never again. Never again. Never again. She will never let herself love freely again. Never. They all leave. All of them. No matter what they say. No matter what they do.
“I’m not that guy.”
“I love you.”
“I want to take care of you.”
Bullshit. All the same. And she refused to let this one in. She wasn’t going to fall apart again. She had made a fool of herself the last time. This time would be different. She’d be ok. But she was afraid to wake up tomorrow morning.

Wake up. Fuck. It happened. And now it’s time to throw up. Walk slowly around the apartment. Not wanting to be far away from her roommate. Where is this fear coming from? Go to work. Go to rehearsal. Dry heave throughout the day. Being left is a full-body experience. She feels like an addict. Home. Cry. Sleep. Wake up. Start it all over again.

Then the dark thoughts come. The ones that have been quiet for so long. Thoughts like, What if she just didn’t wake up in the morning? It would be great to just disappear completely. How hard would it be? She knows something is terribly wrong. So, she goes through all the right channels. All the right doctors and starts to try and get herself well.

All the while in her head.. never again. Never again. Never again.

She prides herself in being ok. Being strong. She isn’t well, isn’t ok isn’t strong.

And it’s scary.