PSA

Go see this.
Immediately.

A New Leaf

My entire life up to this point has been lead under the heading of "what if?".
It's a time honored survival technique that, in theory, saves the user from conflict, mistakes, regrets, or any other negative consequences when faced with decision or the need to act on any given stimulus. In theory. The theory is that if I can predict what the outcome of any thing I do will be, I can make the right decision to avoid the aforementioned outcomes. In reality, it basically mucks things up to a point where there is no enjoyment of anything resembling a moment-in-the-now as one's brain is constantly locked up in anywhere from 5 minutes from now and 10 years down the road. It also becomes a breeding ground for unfair judgement of one's self resulting in hesitancy and a crippling sense of low self-esteem. Life becomes all about:
"Is this the right thing to do?"
"Will this piss so and so off?"
"Will my heart get broken?"
"Is this healthy?"
"Does this make me a bad person?"
"Does this make me selfish?"
"Does this make me a whore?"
"Is this desparate?"
"Will this impact the space-time continuum as we know it, rending the very fabric of existence, throwing us all back into a cataclysmic..."

I'm sorry, you were saying?

So, how does one stop anticipating?
We talk about it in theatre all the time.

"Don't anticipate his/her reaction. Just act and react. Naturally."

A-Ha! But what if you're nature IS to anticipate? And you know that what you're doing is out of habit but because it's so embedded into your being that you can't help it and sometimes don't see that you've done it until it's too late?

I suppose the trick is to just try and let go. Take each moment as it comes. Learn to recognize that little prick of anxiety that is so subtle now as it's a 31 year old button it's pressing and not altogether sensitive anymore. When you feel it, stop. Take a look around, ask yourself:
"Do I really have that much control over what is going to happen?"
"Am I truly hurting anyone right now?"
The answer is probably no.
And then just jump.
If there are consequences, you'll deal with them. As you always do.

In the meantime, have a little fun.

The Horrors of Dating or Why I Shouldn't Give My Number Out...Ever.

Ok, so before I begin, a few qualifiers:

1. I was an absolute mess when I met and gave this man my phone number. I can only say, I've learned my lesson.
2. From this point forward I will go Dutch. As, given the fact that he paid for the evening, I really shouldn't bitch. Or, at least I feel a modicum of guilt for doing so.
3. A person's past is their past. Material posessions are immaterial. These things are true. At least they should be. However, I recognize my own hypocracy in the following.
Also, he served in the Navy. I have a soft spot for military guys.

That said, I give you:
The Date That Never Should Have Been or
I'm Too Big a Pussy to Say No.

I had been dreading this evening for 2 weeks. Even though I had ample time to cancel, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Any excuses I gave I knew he'd counter with a request to reschedule, and I just couldn't say "I just don't want to go out with you." I didn't have a really valid reason not to, except for a few minor red flags. Red flags that heretofore will never be referred to as "minor" again. They included a propensity to refer to the two of us as "We". As in, "my mom can totally get US comps at (insert name of a major suburban theater here). He called A LOT. I know, I know. We bitch when they don't call and bitch when they do. But he'd call me at odd times, often, and be annoyed when I didn't return his calls right away.

Ok, so, he picks me up. (I was careful to keep him on the street and not tell him where my actual apartment was. Score one for not being a complete fucking moron.) Continuing in bullet point fashion:

-I greet him at his car...he's standing outside. He presents me with a large bunch of flowers. A little much, but at least they weren't roses. I've had that happen before on a first date.
Guys, pro-tip: Flowers are really sweet. Save them for date 2. Ok?
-He picked me up in a 1981 Caprice Classic whose muffler had removed itself from the exhaust system...producing the LOUDEST CAR EVER.
-The fabric on the ceiling of said car was held up by thumb tacks.
-When we couldn't find parking, I suggested valet and he goes "No one drives my car but me", in a really possesive irrational way... like it was a Goddamned Ferrari.
-When we approached the car after dinner he goes "hey baby!" Again, like we were getting in to a Ferrari and not something whose back bumper was held on by wire and duct tape, and whose window cranks were missing the black thingys that make rolling up the windows take less than 10 minutes.

We sit down to dinner. Things start off fine enough. We're making small talk, and the waiter comes by to take our drink order. OH, I should point out by the way that he asked me about, or mentioned wine about 9 times before sitting down. I.E:
"What kind of wine do you like?"
"I'm sure there'll be a nice wine list there" (in this affected, authoritatvie way)
"I like a nice Cabernet or Merlot..."
It was as if he wanted to make sure that I knew that he knew that wine existed, he drank it, ergo, he was "sophisticated."
I order a Pinot Grigio. He orders a Merlot. As the waiter leaves, my date stops him and says the completely unbelievable:

"Um, I know this is going to sound really weird, but I like my red wine cold. Could you put some ice cubes in it?"

I just about had a stroke. I was so stricken with the ridiculousness of that request that I turned to him and the waiter and said:
"NO! You should do it up like a martini. Chill the glass with ice, pour it back out and then fill it with wine."
When the waiter is out of earshot I look at my date like he has two goddamned heads and I say:
"You NEVER add ice to red wine. Are you nuts???" I was laughing, and he was too, as I was trying to come off silly, but inside, inside I was dying. Literally. A part of me just died. Right there.

Alright, so dinner is fine, the food is good. I excuse myself to the ladies' room and as I come back he's dealing with the check. He looks up from a mess of a wallet and a bunch of 20's and says:

"80 bucks on 64 is ok right?"

Dumbfounded, I just say:
"Well, what's the tax?"
He gets all surly.
"What do you mean, what's the tax? Why does that matter?"

sigh

"Take the tax, double it and then add like 5 bucks."

WHY AM I EVEN TELLING HIM THIS?????

I'd had a few glasses of wine (3...the third of which he gave me a hard time for because apparently his mother told him to "make sure I wasn't ordering 10 dollar martinis at the restaurant and if we wanted to drink we should go to a bar where it's cheaper" ) and he convinced me to go to a place in Evanston. Whereupon I discovered that I'd be taking the EL home. (Thank Christ.)

On the way to the bar he says "Yeah, I used to bounce at this place."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I go here a lot...although, I hope they'll let me in still."
"....."
"Nah, it should be fine."

We get to the bar and he walks right up to a guy and says:

"Hey, I'm really sorry about what happened last time..."

The other guy doesn't even let him finish.

"Why should even let you in here, man?"

I, thinking this was a kind of playful banter...HOPING TO GOD it was a playful banter quip:
"Because I'm pretty?"

This guy isn't amused.

"Listen, man, I'm tired of your bullshit. Every month it's the same goddamned thing with you. I've had it. I'll let you stay, but one thing, and you're out."

I am, understandably, mortified.

"What the hell did you do, dude???"
"Nothing. He's over-reacting."

We go to order drinks.
If looks could kill, the bartended unleashed Chernobyl all over us.

"Seriously, what the fuck did you do?"
"Nothing... I got into a fight...it's no big deal, there was a knife involved. Don't worry about it."

Why haven't I left yet?

We go play a couple games of pool. A couple of his songs come on the juke box, he gets me to dance with him. To his credit he's not a bad dancer. Not bad, that is until he started trying to stick his tongue in my mouth. I'm still trying to be nice, and I laugh it off and extract myself from his yuck and go to the ladies'.
Shortly after this, I decide it's time to go home.
He walks me to the El, sits on the platform with me, the train comes and he hugs me and says:

"Can I call you tomorrow?" in this breathy tone as if we've had this amazing evening and it's so magical bla bla vomit bla...
"I have to work tomorrow."
"Alright, well, the ball's in your court."

And then he again, tries to put his tongue in my mouth.
What is UP with that??? This is a first date! I don't even want you holding my HAND unless you ask me. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, given MY past, but man, when it's a bona fide date... there are some points of etiquette I like to go by.
Fucking ew.

Ball's in my court...yeah, well, it's gonna end up in Boo Radley's yard...possibly through his window where it will never be goddamned heard from again.

I will never hand my number out again. Unless I get clearance from at least 3 other people in attendance at an event.

The Solstice

The Summer Solstice
It does strange things to a body.
It's a celebration.

Tomorrow at Ritual I will praise the
Goddess for all the gifts she has bestowed and
all the joy she brought me this evening.

Summer is my favorite time of all.

I know I've Bitched About This Before...

In a meeting.
I'm in a dress, sitting on the floor.
3 men are in chairs.

What's wrong with this picture?

Thursday

What's that you said?
I need some improvement.
What's that you said?
There's room for a whole lot more.
What's that you said
I'll love you when it's done.
At least that's what I heard.

How will I know when it's done?

~

Apparently my brain has chosen this week to start really purging the yuck from the last 7 months. Dreams, obsessing, and eye- opening therapy sessions have been screaming one thing at me:
I rely waaay too much on other people to validate my efforts and existence.
I've been told this before, and once I even thought I had it licked, but man.
Apparently not.
It's ok though. These are phases we all go through.
I don't know that I'll ever fully let go of this need, but as long as I see it, I can work to defeat it.

I'm Full

I went to see Elvis Costello last night. It was a great show.
There was one song in particular that got me though.

"What do you want the girl to do when all she wants is you?"

This pretty much encapsulates my state of mind entirely during my last relationship.
What, indeed?
When is it finally enough?
What does "good enough" look like?
How do I stop feeling so goddamned useless?
Well, leaving I suppose,
but you beat me to that, didn't you?

Today, I Piss People Off.

Ok, so I’ve had a breakthrough.
Liberal Agenda: To make you feel as bad as fucking humanly possible about yourself and any belief that might smack of racism,/classicism,/Christian Fundamentalism,/Capitalism to get you over to their side. Also, what’s going to happen in Syria/Iran/Korea/China? Huh? Huh,? We’re going down! Republicans are evil. EVIL! Hitler.

Conservative Agenda: To exploit your fear of invasion/dictatorship/fascism(irony), to get you to “trust the people who will keep you safe.” Also, if you don’t support the war, then you don’t support the troops. Vietnam was good for somethin’ heh heh heh. Oh, and Liberals love society but hate people. HA! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!! Hippie.

Example:

One night during Bush’s first term, while my brother was probably 3 months into his tour in Iraq, I was enjoying a beer at a benefit for one of the local theatre companies around the neighborhood. It’s a theatre-bar and the clientele features any number of pseudo- intellectual actors/directors/writers whathaveyou tackling one of many topics one shouldn’t engage in with strangers. Toward the end of the night found me chatting it up with some guy I’d met in one of those 4-random-people-all-connected-by-at-least-3- degrees-type-conversations that wound down til it was just me and this guy. Well, invariably the topic turned to politics. Actually I think it may have turned to politics earlier, however the other two just had better manners and bolted. Anyway, things are going along swimmingly. We’re having an extremely affable conversation, an exchange of ideas rather than debate, when we take a left into “Talking About the War.” As soon as I heard him teetering over to “I’m against the War Territory” I had to stop him. As I said, my little bother had only been there for 3 months. It was still soon enough after 911, and I had just gotten back from Germany to see him off and had little patience for anything Un-American.
“I should probably tell you that I’m a Republican.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I totally support the War. My brother is over there right now Defending the Universe.”
If I remember correctly he was vehemently opposed to the war, to the president AND my brother. And very vocal about it. I remember thinking
“Jesus, this guy is getting really worked up here.” Inexplicably, well, I was broke… I end up sharing a cab with this piece of work and as we get in the cab he sneers at me:
“So, you hate fags right?”
“Um, excuse me??”
“Well Republicans hate fags and you said you’re a Republican, so you hate fags right?”
And he was being smug and shitty and I just turned to him, mouth agape and said,
“You don’t even know me.”
“Well, come on! If you sign on to a party you sign on to their beliefs.”
“Hey, look pal, you’re the one who called them ‘fags’. Not me. “
We didn’t say much as we pulled up to his place, he paid his fare and got out.
I don’t remember saying good bye.

Example 2:
On any given day:
“TERRORISM! COLLAPSE OF FAMILY VALUES! PATRIOTISM! SUPPORT THE TRUTH! TOBY KIETH! LIBERAL MEDIA! LIFE IS SACRED, EVEN IF THOSE CHILDREN WILL UNDOUBTABLY GO UNCARED FOR!!!BOW FUCKING TIES! NEVER FORGET! IT’S CHRISTMAS GODDAMNIT! GAY MARRIAGE = THE COLLAPSE OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT! “
Ad Nauseum.

Am I making any sense right now?

OK, my long-winded point is this:
We’re in the midst of dealing with an extremely important Sociological and Anthropological issue right now. One that could possibly change the course of societal evolution. And what’s happening?
The Republicans are using it as a tool to garner votes in November.
The Democrats are accusing anyone who has reservations about the idea of Gay Marriage of being bigoted.

Here’s the deal:
People are apprehensive about the idea for reasons other than the idea that Homosexuality is somehow wrong. But rather than behave like normal human beings, we point fingers and accuse people of various sundry “reprehensibilities”.
It’s fucking dumb. We should be doing studies. We should be forming INFORMED opinions about the social ramifications of things like this… if any.

The Federal Government has no business passing this amendment. It’s a State and Local Issue anyway. That way, if you’re really opposed, or really for something, you can MOVE to where they support your beliefs!

Also, for all the talk about how marriage is nothing more than an economic institution, people are sure making a big goddamned deal about it huh?

Films That No Child Should Ever See

In honor of today, I go to the Way-Back Machine and list all the films I saw as an unsupervised youth, and the resulting neuroses. Join me, won't you?

In no particular order...

Amityville Horror.
I was probably 6 or 7. It was on TV. Flies freaked me out for years. I also cannot look at Dutch Colonial homes without flashes of that window coming down on that kid's hands or those goddamned red eyes. Seriously.

Psycho
No showers for WEEKS. I'm not kidding. I'd wash my hair in the sink.

Jaws
In addition to an unhealthy obsession with Sharks, I no longer swim in the ocean.

Pirranah
In addition to a lesser yet still unhealthy obsession with pirranahs, I no longer swim in any naturally occurring body of water.

Alligator
This fucking movie. Seriously. I honestly think that the makers of horror back in the day wanted to completely wipe out any human desire to swim.
I have a hard time swimming in pools at night.

C.H.U.D
Steered clear of sewers for a long goddamned time.

Halloween
Ok, this one freaked my shit out so badly that the NEXT MORNING I was afraid to get out of bed. My brother had to come in and tell me it was ok. I STILL have nightmares about this son of a bitch.

The Time Bandits
Fucking YES I consider this horror. Why? Midgets. Midgets and DEAD PARENTS. I don't give a shit whether his parents were evil. When you're a 7 year old with already-existing abandonment issues and you see a kid watch his parents fucking BLOW THE FUCK UP after he begs them NOT to touch the goddamned rock- the movie goes from kitchy sci-fi to all out horror. Immediately. Don't even get me started on those nightmares. And worse? MY FATHER TOOK ME TO SEE THIS IN THE THEATER.

No. You know what? I'm freaking myself out right now.
Fucking horror movies. And Fuck You, Babysitters for watching this crap while I was awake!
Just Fuck You.

Tune in next time when I list all the inappropriate films Dad took me to see.
Nothing says a good night sleep like a waking up in the middle of the massacre scene during a midnight showing of Gandhi.

I think I've had too much coffee today.

Apparently, My Groupie Days are Over

Once upon a time in America, I used to date a bass player. It was an idyllic time in my life. His band had a practice space where we could go undisturbed to feely imbibe in things that minors really aren't supposed to imbibe in. Mainly Ice House. I wish I was kidding. I had a choice corner-of-the-sofa seat which served as a nice place to perch prettily. I knew all the words to all their songs and went to every gig (when I wasn't up at school). It was awesome. I was young, I was thin(ner), I didn't care about much, and I had my whole life ahead of me. Now, those times have passed. I'm IN a band now. I no longer date the bass player (he's since married and living in the suburbs), and it has become clear to me that I am, in fact, becoming rather curmudgeonly (sic?) towards those younger than I.
Case in point:
So, Friday night I went out with my good friend MC (the drummer for the aforementioned band) to a little bar called The Underground. It's a pretty cool little style-non-specific bar/venue whose clientele is pretty much determined by the band or bands that happen to be playing that evening.

Judging by the Jimbay drum on stage, we were going to be treated to some kind of mellow-rock-jam-band type situation. And we were. However, as the pretty competent, albeit young band played their set, here's what I ascertained.

-They were no older than 24 and more than likely home from college. This was determined by the presence of parents, older siblings and, insert fanfare please:
-College Band Groupies: their 21 year old, size 2 blonde girlfriends. You know these girls. They make a point of standing right up front in a little clutch giggling and knowing all the words to their boyfriends' awesome bands' songs. Trust me, as stated above, I know the whole "My boyfriend is totally in a band and he's like THE best bassist in the universe (actually, he was pretty excellent) and I am totally his girlfriend and I am so fucking cool I can't even stand myself" way of thinking.
Except I wasn't a size 2.
Nor was I blonde.
Nor was the band anything like the one I'm talking about.
Let's just say I wore a lot of flannel. And Doc Martens.

ANYWAY, moving on:

-These guys definitely listen to and are fans of OAR. Just because EVERYONE their age is.
-The presence of the aforementioned Jimbay and/or bongo or any other alternative percussive instrument=Deep, Meaningful, and Talented=Mom and Dad have lots of money=I go to U of I. (You should have seen some of the equipment these kids were packing.)
-The band was a band because it's cool to be a band. There was a definite lack of artistry with these guys. Technically, they were all very good. But that's where it stopped. It was kind of like watching the Yankees play. All extremely talented athletes part of a machine that is devoid of passion or love for the game.
-It was as if I had gone back in time and was sitting in some kid's basement watching some band with a whole bunch of popular kids from the public school and I was completely out of place. This became an issue later on in the evening.
- Whether they knew it or not, they sounded an awful lot like the Freddy Jones Band. I coined the term “Road Trip Rock” and “Epic Folk”, mimed a steering wheel and promptly told MC that:
“We’re on a journey to FOREVER!” In a daydream….
-I immediately hated the band at the point where the frontman got all VH1 Storyteller's on us and said:
"Yeah, uh, this song is called (Insert some Introspective Call-to-Action-Type-Title). It's a song I wrote... it's about gettin' old."
and then in the same breath he said:
"It's up on myspace right now."

The band finished and began their tear-down. MC and I laughed as they basically broke down what looked to be every single piece of equipment they owned.
"They don't understand the concept of 'bare bones'" yet." MC intoned. We then laughed and remembered the days of his band when they'd pack up the entire studio for gigs lasting no longer than a half hour.
"We were dumb."
I then started really feeling the effects of the high school basement party energy. Like I said before, I was never popular in high school and it's not a feeling I particularly enjoy. I was ready to leave. When the next band's 22 year old guitarist pulled out an Epiphone and allowed the sound engineer (theirs, not the bar's) make it sound like it was wrapped up in blankets and being swung over his head, I put my foot down.
We got the hell out of there.
It wasn't even midnight.

Goddamned kids with their video games and their sugar-drinks.

Further Proof That I am In Fact, 13 Years Old, And Male.

In an altered state of viewing, I discover again, how much of a goddamned nerd I acutally am:

I give you:
SG and LC Watch Empire Strikes Back...in 4 Hours.

Alright, so, the Rebels are now on the winter planet of Hoth. They're still pretty rag-tag with little funding and substandard equipment.."We're having trouble adjusting the speeders to the cold"

PAUSE

"Dude, you know, this totally explains why things are not as high tech as they were in the prequels which are supposed to take place 20 years earlier."
"How do you figure?"
"Well, the Empire taking over trade routes and government basically throws the galaxy into a sort of Dark Age, similar to pre-Renaissance Europe."
"Oh, yeah, totally."
“Also, how cool is it that almost every shot in this film looks like a comic book panel?”
“Totally, dude.”

PLAY

Han comes back to base after a recon/sensor placing mission and informs the Alliance that he's got to get the hell out of dodge to pay the bounty on his head. The Rebels are disappointed, but understand as he is of no use to them dead. Han goes to say goodbye to Leia who continues to give him the cold shoulder. They have a heated exchange which leads me to

PAUSE

"Wow, you know, I never realized that it's HAN who is upset here. HE'S pissed at HER because HE loves her but she won't give him the time of day!! I never saw that before. I always just figured he was just fucking with her and didn’t fall in love with her until that kiss! Holy shit."

PLAY

Meanwhile, Luke, on the same recon/sensor placing mission has been attacked by a snow monster. Luckily, he's able to tap into his latent Jedi powers, frees himself, kills the beast and escapes. It's about a Gajillion degrees below zero, however, and he doesn't make it far. He promptly passes out.

Han discovers that Luke hasn't come back yet and makes ready to go on a rescue mission.
"Sir! You're Taun-Taun will freeze before you get to the first marker!"
to which Han replies in just about the best line in the series ever:
"Then I'll see you in HELL!"

PAUSE

“Harrison Ford is SUCH a badass in this movie.”

PLAY

Luke, still unconscious, has been visited by Obi-Wan telling him to go to Dagobah to train with Yoda. Yoda has been exiled to Dagobah since Anakin made the complete shift to the Dark Side, got his ass handed to him in the volcano and shouted "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Dagobah was a good choice as it was infused with a pretty hefty naturally occurring Dark Side Presence that would serve to shield Yoda from Anakin's Super Spidey Jedi Sense. It also serves to explain why Yoda seems completely crazed as compared to his staid demeanor in the prequels.

PAUSE:

“Well think about it for a second. He’s on a planet totally teeming with the Dark Side, where apparently the sun never shines, he spent most of his time at the technologically advanced Jedi Temple, he’s had to experience and SENSE the deaths of the entire Jedi Order, and he’s ALONE on that swampy rock! I think it’s safe to say that anyone would go a little senile. AND he’s 800 YEARS OLD!”

PLAY

Right, so the Rebels, Luke now back at the base thanks to the rescue mounted by Han the previous evening and then the speeders the next morning, have discovered that the Empire knows where they are. They initiate evacuation maneuvers and mount a ground defense. Their base is underground and the Imperial Walkers are bringing the place down around them. Han, still trying to get the Falcon running, rushes to get Leia, still trying to get the rest of the base evacuated, to her ship. Their route is caved in and Han decides to take her out on the Falcon. Imperial Troops are now galavanting around the base with Vader in tow.

PAUSE:

“You know, what the hell is he doing there? The likelihood of that place caving in is just as great for Vader as it is for everyone else! And doesn’t he KNOW that Luke is out on the battlefield??”
“He’s not after Luke.”
“…What?”
“Oh, no. He’s after Han and Leia. “
“Ok, how do you figure?”
“Well, he’s going to use them to smoke Luke out. He’s going to fuck them up so that Luke senses it, gets angry, loses control, joins the Dark Side so that he can use Luke to kill the Emporer.”
“WHAT?”
“Alright, remember, NOOOOOOOOOO!? Remember how he tried to kill the Emperor then but couldn’t? That’s because he lost most of his midichlorians…’He’s more machine now than man..’ He’s not strong enough. He needs Luke’s power to defeat Palpatine. And then they can ‘Rule the Galaxy as father and son!’ Revenge, man.”
“Whoa.”
“Yeah.”

PLAY

Back on Dagobah, Luke has met Yoda who is now scolding him for basically being just like his father:
Ready, are you? What know you
of ready? For eight hundred years
have I trained Jedi. My own counsel
will I keep on who is to be trained!
A Jedi must have the deepest
commitment, the most serious mind.
(to the invisible
Ben, indicating Luke)
This one a long time have I watched.
All his life has he looked away...
to the future, to the horizon.
Never his mind on where he was.
Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph.
Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh!
A Jedi craves not these things.
(turning to Luke)
You are reckless!

RECKLEEEESSSS!! Just like Anakin!

Meanwhile Back on the Millennium Falcon…
Han, Leia, Chewie and 3PO have sought refuge (after an ill-fated turn with an asteroid field) in the Cloud City. With Lando. Gambler, Swindler, Scoundrel… yes, let’s trust THAT guy. Vader and his troops get there first and set up a trap to ensnare Luke and freeze him in Carbonite for his trip to the Emperor.
Han is the guinea pig to test the freezing process.
“I love you.”
“I know.”
Damn that whole scene chokes me up every time.

Right, so, Luke does indeed have a vision. He sees his friends in great pain and decides to go to them. Yoda tries to stop him from suffering the same fate as his father…“Holy Shit.”

PAUSE

“What?”
“I just realized something. You know when Luke actually becomes a Jedi right?”
“Well, in between episode 5 and 6.”
“NO! He doesn’t become a Jedi until he learns to free himself from his emotions. To let go of anger and hate! And that doesn’t happen until after he cuts off Vader’s hand, realizes what he’s done, throws his lightsaber away, says ‘No.’ and then gets the shit Force Lighteninged out of him by Palpatine.”
“Oh my god you’re right! “
“Yeah. See, Luke succeeds where Anakin failed. They were both ‘too old to start the training.’ Anakin comes to the temple with Yoda ‘much anger in him sensing’ due to the fact that he’d been a slave his whole life and watched his mother endure slavery as well. His journey to let go of his emotions was essentially stopped before it even began. Luke, on the other hand is even older when he begins his training, but he’s been on Tatooine this whole time as well. But they pretty much raise him right, he’s got a good family, and really, not too many reasons to be angry. Well, except at Uncle Owen for not letting him join the Academy.”
“Well, that’s because he was never supposed to leave Tatooine.”
“Huh?”
“Dude, he wanted to join the Academy. Which would train him for the IMPERIAL ARMY. Which is run by VADER. HIS FATHER. Letting him go would undo everything they had done to protect the children.”
“HOLY SHIT”
“ I KNOW!
“GOD these movies kick SO MUCH ass..”

PLAY

Vader and Luke finally face off. Luke loses a hand, finds out Vader is his father, has his own NOOOOOOOOOO! moment, falls down a mine shaft, ends up hanging off some scaffolding, calls to Leia with the force, she hears him (foreshadowing) OM-IN-OUS HORNS!, comes to rescue him in the Falcon, they end up with the Rebel Envoy, he gets a bionic hand and we all watch, mouths agape as the closing credits roll wondering WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS NOW??? HAN IS TOTALLY FROZEN IN CARBONITE!
THE EMPIRE DID INDEED STRIKE BACK!!!!

“We are nerds.”
“Yes.”

There you have it. And Don’t even get me started on other key plot points and possibilities such as Vader knowing about Luke before the Emperor…or the whole ObiWan-Chewbacca-R2D2 Bermuda Plot Triangle…

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a chatroom I need to visit.