GLASSY!!!

For the first time in months, the lake was glassy. I looked up from my book and saw the unmistakable sheen of a placid lake.
And then I smiled.

SAD

Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Does it exist?
or is it just another yuppie illness like Chronic Fatigue?

WHERE IN THE F IS THE SUN?????

Spring is a weird time of year. It always feels like everything is moving uphill...I suppose it is. Everything is trying to get out from underneath winter...but winter is heavy and isn't ready to get up off the couch yet...and the cat is suffocating while everyone continues watching television.

I Was Thinking

that perhaps you had grown up.
I was thinking that maybe you were ready.
I was thinking that now we could begin.
I was thinking without remembering who you are.

Planting Gardens

I planted a garden last year. It was the first I had ever done on my own.
I'm sad that I won't be able to tend to it anymore.
Gardens are such metaphors.
The flowers in that garden struggled a lot. I couldn't get them to grow very big.
My flowers at home however grew exponentially. I couldn't get them NOT to grow.
Interesting.
This year will be an even bigger planting complete with window boxes and hanging baskets.
This year it will be completely for me and no one else.
Half of the other garden never belonged to me.
And I have to let it go so that I can be happy with the yeild this year.
Gardens are metaphors.
Shall I beat it into the ground some more?
I suggest to that other gardener...the roses.
Cut back the dead stuff from last year.
Otherwise they won't bloom.
Cut back the dead stuff.
Seriously.
Cut it back.

St.Pat's...

I can't remember what I did last year. And I doubt it has anything to do with being drunk. I don't think I even went out last year. I was with "him". And I don't think "he" wanted to go out. Big surprise.

This year is going to be drenched in Guinness and Karaoke and friends... the friends for good company and make sure I keep all Lenten Promises. Shouldn't be too hard. Not as though I've got 'em lined up round the corner.

Sometimes, I rather like being alone. I've got no one to answer to. No one to worry about. And I never worry: Is today the day he leaves me? Cuz.. er...he did that already didn't he? I don't worry about things like "He didn't notice my hair or tell me I look pretty at all today. What does that mean?" or "I better not eat this because he thinks I'm gaining weight" (That's Jesus's job now.) or "I hope he's not mad at me today."

Anyway, today is a day for revelry in the midst of repentence. The Irish say "To hell with sadness, let's get tossed!"
So, I leave you with a few Irish Blessings:

"May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft on your fields, and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand."

"May those that love us, love us. And those don't may God turn their hearts. And if he can't turn their heart, may he turn their ankles, so we know them by their limpin'."

and finally:
"May you be in Heaven a half an hour before the Devil knows you're dead."

Slainte!

Beware the Ides... again.

So, tomorrow marks 2 weeks into this Lenten agreement. All told, it's not too bad. By not eating crap I'm losing weight, as I've mentioned before, and it's not as though dudes are knocking down my door, so the
"no boys up in my lady-business" isn't presenting too much of a challenge.
Another 4 weeks and 3 days...
31 days. Jesus.
Wait a second.
Lent is only supposed to be 40 days.
Lent this year is 45 days. What the fuck???? Son of a....
stupid Lent.

Buuuut, as I said. I'm glad I'm doing it. Sacrifice can be a good thing especially when it's personally beneficial.
Which seems a little like an oxymoron...

4 1/2 pounds...

5 1/2 to go.
Lent is being very good to my quest to get back to my fightin' weight. I can already see a difference which makes me very happy.

However, PMS rears its ugly head and I become despondent and crave a gallon of anything I've given up for the season.

I sincerely hope that the Spring lifts me out of this haze I've been walking around in since October.
A friend told me she thinks I'm a person who sounds like she needs a new city.
Maybe I do.
But where to?

I've often thought of LA. That's a very real possibility as my father's business may need an heir apparent. When? Dunno.
New York sounds nice as well... but a bigger version of Chicago doesn't pull me as hard as one might think.

I don't know. Something's got to give though. And soon.

Ahhh...Productions

Well, we're back up and running... sort of.

I'll be understudying one show and Assistant Directing another...Something to do!!!!
Unfortunately, production has been put off til August as our brand spankin' new space won't be brand spankin' new 6 weeks late. Why? Something to do with permits and junk.

Wait, LC, what's this about a new theatre space? Yes. The company I'm in is moving into its very own digs. I haven't talked about it much due to the circumstances surrounding the accquisition of said space.

See, while we were still dating, The Ex found this space for us and started acting as Real Estate Agent to us. Well, when we broke up, he decided to be nice and continue with the negotiations. Because of this, it's been difficult for me to get exceited about it. Mostly because I knew he was talking to my friends...but not to me. And during meetings, well, mentions of him made me sad.

Well, I'm getting over that now. I don't even know how much he's even involved anymore. So, I'm trying to get excited about it now. And I'm getting there.

So, yeah.

Wait.. I've Felt Something Other Than Angry?

Ok, so I'm going through my poetry books I used to keep once upon a time... the analog blogs...



"How can I prove that I love you? That you're good enough-that your touch
makes my body sing
makes me moan
makes me want you inside of me inside of you?
How can I make my eyes my smile make you see the joy
you have brought me
the gifts you lie at my feet in homage
to make me see make me feel
beautiful, revered, & cherished?
How do I teach you the words to the song my heart sings
along with your voice telling me you love me?
How do I help you erase years of pain
years of longing
years of lonliness that I know too deep in the core of me?
How do I teach you how to dance with me with reckless abandon
free of fear and hurt and pain?
I can only tell you
only touch you
only laugh with you
play with you
cry with you
and hope that one day you will learn the words to my song
and dance when you hear it and know that I will trust you
when you lead."

I've never been this in love since. I can't believe I ever was.

Dreams

Had a dream about you last night.
Dreamt we were together again.
But something didn't feel right
You said so
I said so.
Then you called me fat again.
And I left.

The Day After...

The Oscars.

I don't ordinarily sit through the whole thing as most of the time, the show just pisses me off. However, this year, I conceded and watched with friends and for the most part, had a really good time.

However. I am absolutely devastated that my secret boyfriend Joaquin Phoenix got the shaft on best actor. NOT ONLY THAT, Crash walks away with Best Picture, Best Screenplay, and Best Editing. What???? Uck.

In other news, I was just approached to split my time at work between the account I'm currently working on, and one of our highest profile accounts. This is good for a few reasons.
1. It will propell me towards promotion sooner rather than later
2. If I want to transfer to NY, which, yes, I have been kicking around in my head since last year, it will make it easier.
3. I may be working on actual print ads. That you see in magazines.
weeeeee!

Today I'm wearing purfume I haven't worn in a while. Given to me by an old flame. Ah memories...

Why am I Up?

So late.

Some Things Never Change

For the record, the entry from 2/27 was not about anything sexual in nature. Jesus people!
I wrote a letter to someone revealing how I was feeling. Something I had done before with this person...in person many years ago. It was scary then, and scary now. And seemingly pretty useless.

I've filled out a lot of surveys in the past asking my "what's your pet peeve" or "what do you hate"?
I always had a really hard time with that question..as there are SO MANY things that bother me on a daily basis.
But I think I got it.

I hate it when people avoid the issue. I hate it when someone says they're to do something and they don't...without much explaination and then avoid you because they're afraid of telling you "no".

Perfect example:
Guy and girl meet. Guy and girl have sex. Guy says "I'll call you." or Girl says "Call me." And then he doesn't . Because he had no intention of calling her in the first place but was afraid of telling her that. At the very LEAST, he could have called and said:
"Listen, I had a really great time last night, but I'm just not interested in taking things further. I'm really sorry. I like you, I respect you..." and while she may be disappointed, I bet 10 to 1 she feels a hell of a lot better about herself than she would after a week of no call and wondering what she did wrong. I can attest to the merit of the latter choice as it happened to me. And it was a really kind and polite moment in my life, and I harbor no ill will towards that man at all. Yes, man. He called that same day to tell me that rather than leaving me to hang and saved me a lot of discomfort.

And no. that's not what I'm going through right now. It's just an illustration of the feelings that come up for me when something similar happens. Doesn't even have to have anything to do with sex.

It can be as simple as calling when you're going to be late...not a big deal right? Well, what if you don't call? The other person is sitting around waiting for you. Their time is just as important as yours. Why not respect that?

here's what else I hate:
broken promises
lame excuses
disrespect
lying
Fucking cowardice.

LC is mad at the world today.

Wow. I Forgot How Depressing Being a Sinner Is...

Man oh Man. I thought the Lutherans were bad. But nope! The Catholics take the lead in making a body feel ashamed of itself.
Here's the size of it for me. And I told the Lord this today. I just can't believe he wants me to "rend my heart" and all that biblical hairshirting madness. I think he/she wants me to be good to myself. And to love myself.

Christianity continues to confound me. How healthy can it be to walk around thinking that everything you do is a ticket to hell? That can't be how God intended it.

I know a bunch of people will come back with.."Well, that's how the Church controlled people...by making them afraid and ashamed of themselves." Well, duh.

Isn't there a way to move away from that now?

But maybe not. What if they're right?

Well, Hell's gonna need a bigger boat.

Lenty Goodness!

ok, well here we are again! Ash Wednesday. The first of 40 days of atonement for whatever sins and shit we might have pulled over the past year...and preparing for cleanliness next to godliness at Easter. I'm heading over to Holy Name at 2 for a paraliturgy so's I can get my simulated gunshot wound painted on my head. Although, Holy Name's ashes aren't as dark nor do they have the staying power that OLPH's had, so it's not as much fun...

Sigh. You know, here I am, eating mac and cheese...remember, no meat today or on Fridays, and I've got a hitch in my giddyup over this whole thing. I don't think I've done that badly this year. If anything, there are certain parties who should maybe atone for THEIR treatment of yours truly.

Anyway, this year's Lenten Promises to Jesus are for my grandparents. They've had a rough time of it lately, and well, being Catholic means a lot to them. So, there you are. Add to that my brother's immenent departure to Africa and we have all sorts of things to pray for and be thankful for and whatnot.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust!
Happy Ash Wednesday Everyone!