ADVENTURES IN MAMMOGRAMS!!!!!!

You must say the above as if you were saying:
"PIGS IN SPAAAAAAAAACE."

Go ahead, I'll wait.

...


Ok. So, yesterday, I finally went for my follow-up screening after the big scare of Aught Five. I'm fine. So fine, in fact that you get the bulletted version of the day.

-WHY in every hospital in EVERY section where one has to change clothes, do they have to label the bin for used gowns
"SOILED LAUNDRY".
Soiled is one of those words that just makes me vomit and then feel bad about myself later. Soiled says "Someone crapped somewhere in here." I understand in an emergency room where poop and other fluids are projected you definitely want a bin that says SOILED. But in the Breast Imaging center? Come on.

-First day of Period + Mammogram = excrutiating pain. For those not familiar with the procedure, they take your breast, lay it on a shelf, and then crush it with a vice. Until it's a flat piece of flesh about 2 inches thick. Think about the anatomy of a breast for a moment. There. see? Pain. Now add in the swollen-ness from the monthly miracle.
I almost passed out.

-when I was all finished, the nurse said "Ok, the radiologist is going to come in. It's nothing, so don't worry. I tell women this all the time and they STILL get scared. hahahahahhaa!"
ok.
So, then the doctor comes in.
"Hi, LC, I'm doctor so and so. I just wanted to come in and tell you.........................................................................................................................................................................You're fine. Your fibroid adeneoma hasn't gotten any larger in the two years since your last exam, so you don't have to worry about coming back here until you're 40."

Geee....thanks doctor. Thank you for the weird pause. You might want to look toward that in your efforts to solve the Mystery of The Terrified Patients.
Seriously.

Anyhoo... I'm great. I leave for New Orleans tomorrow. I look forward to hurricanes (the beverage) and lost time (the result of said beverage)!
Woo hoo!!!
See you all next week.

Live Blog: The Fucking Oscars

Ok, so here we are. This is the first year in many that I am actually going to sit through the entire show from beginning to end. And I'm taking you all with me on my journey. This is not an original idea, as the AV Club over at the Onion does it every year. But, whatever. Who cares?

7:33 and I'm already bored. The opening credits sequence was a lack-luster, badly animated amalgam of Hollywood over the past 80 years, featuring the Terminator delivering the Oscar statues to the venue. It was something out of a Lowes Theaters "sit back and enjoy the show" nightmare.

7:37. Jon Stewart's awkward monologue opens with a predictable nod to the Writer's Pout.

7:44
Okay, first commercial break, and a Best Costume Design to Elizabeth: The Fashion Show Loosely Based on What Really Happened Back Then.
I saw this film this past week and without going into full detail, it wasn't good.
Anyway, after the shortest acceptance speech ever, we cut to Barbara Fucking Streisand at a flashback to when she won an Oscar sometime in the 60's. And her remembering when she won. Great, we get to watch stars masturbating with memories. Awesome.
B likes the set.

7:56
We've had a montage...which ALMOST made me cry. I admit it, I am a sucker for the montage. I'm sure I'll see at least 9 more.
Ratatouille takes Best Animated Feature. I realize I've seen way more of these movies this year.
HA! Two presenters wearing almost the EXACT same dress!
Also, I heart Steven Carrell.

8:03
Hollywood Power-Couple/Excercise in Creepiness Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones reminisce about their collective awesomeness, B aptly observes:
"Wow. They're still married." He is already showing signs of wanting out of this venture. I am committed to soldiering on.

8:07
The Rock's real name is Dwayne Johnson. Hm. Apparently The People's Actor is taking himself seriously now.

8:12
You know, I feel really bad for "team oscars." The first guy always get the most time and the second guy is totally fucked.

8:16
Best Supporting Actor...and we have Hal Holbrook as the "Obligatory Nomination for Being Old".
And the dude from No Country for Old Men takes it and accepts it in Spanish. This is one of the flicks I haven't seen. Mostly because I'm just not a big fan of Fargo.

Ok, we're at a commercial break.
45 minutes in and it occurs to me that this could get rather tedious. So, I'm just gonna do this about every 20 minutes because I'm not talking to my boyfriend and I have to keep him engaged or else he's changing the channel.

8:25
I'm bored again with the goddamned second performance of a nominated song. I'm watching a black gospel choir sing about not giving up, being yourself, and having the strength to get through it all. Ugh.
See you in 20.

8:44
And now I'm asking myself Why. Why did The Bee Movie get even a fucking nod?
Why is Jessica Alba still working?
Why is everyone stumbling over their lines?
Why is this show lacking in any kind of energy?
Oh yeah, the chick from Michael Clayton won for best supporting actress.
No Country for Old Men takes Best Adapted Screenplay.
Seriously. Were they passing out Quaaludes in the swag bags this year?? I have to think that this show's horribleness lends itself to the absence of writers until a week ago. They just should have cut their losses and cancelled the show this year. This show is absolutely embarrassing. And could very well finally put a nail in the coffin of award shows. No one really cares anymore, and if you can't produce a show that's remotely interesting to watch, well, there it is.
Aaaaaaaaand now we're getting a very boring lesson in how the Academy votes for the nominees.
Oh! I get it. Everyone is wearing red for the Little Red Dress project.

8:54
OH MY GOD THIS MUSIC IS AWFUL. I'm in hell.

8:57
LOL. The tagline for the Oscars this year is "the one. the only."

9:04
I've lost B. He's gone to do the dishes. I even tried plying him with thin mint girl scout cookies. Unsuccessful.
I'm slowly descending a Quaalude contact high.
Do the memory montages count as montages? Because I think we're officially up to 1200.

9:16
So, the French chick won Best Actress. Which, I think is cool. But, I really would have loved to see Laura Linney win. I love her work. She's just so damn good. Oh well.
I think we're about due for another goddamned song. Undoubtedly from goddamned Enchanted.
Are you as bored to tears as I?
I thought so.
And to really drive the point home, they're playing fucking Wii tennis.
Good God.
And I was right! A song.
But at least a good one. Finally.
Falling Slowly. This song is absolutely heartbreaking. And Glen Hansard is playing the Takamini with the hole in the body. Kick Ass.

9:23
Old Balls Jack Nicholson. Woo hoo.
MONTAGE! We're gonna need a montage!

9:32
Nicole Kidman is wearing a chandelier around her neck.

9:42
References to how long the show is: 142.

9:44
If it involves Nazis, it wins. Austria takes the Best Foreign Language film. B states: Mel Brookes could have made Hitler on Ice and it would have won.

9:45
Ok, here we have a THIRD fucking song from Fucking Enchanted. If Enchanted beats the song from Once I'm going on a killing spree of small woodland creatures. I'm not even fucking kidding. That's enough Disney. Seriously.

They keep announcing presenters with little epithets like this gem:
"And now, one of the stars of Enchanted, the handsome and versatile, Patrick Dempsey."
Versatile, huh? His hair hasn't changed in 20 years, and I see him do nothing except stand around and half-smile. I hate him.

9:49
Apparently John Travolta doesn't warrant a complimentary introduction.
Ok, here we go. Best Song.
FALLING SLOWLY!!!!!!!! I am vindicated!

9:52
Why does Jon Stewart feel like he needs to say things like:
"Wasn't that a great moment for them?"
Yes, Jon, it was. Winning an Oscar is a pretty kick ass moment. Thanks for clearing that up for us. In case we didn't GET that.

9:55
I just saw an ad for "A Raisin in the Sun" starring Puffy Combs or whatever the fuck he's calling himself these days. Did you hear that sound? That was the Seventh Seal cracking open.

9:57
The technical glitches on this show are ridiculous. Jon's body mic wasn't on when they came back from break.
The Stage Manager's head just exploded.
Aw...Jon just brought Glen Hansard's partner out to do her speech because she didn't get to talk when they won.

B: "Thanks, Cameron Diaz, for doing your hair this evening."

10:10
Atonement takes Best Score.
I'm getting so tired...so very tired.

10:24
Why does Harrison Ford always look like a man in the middle of an Alzheimer's Moment?
Ok, Best Screenplay...Diablo Cody for Juno.
And her dress is hideous and ill-fitting. It doesn't help she keeps trying to pull the hem down. The kick pleat is up to her crotch.

10:31
Ok here we go. Helen Mirren presenting Best Actor. She is beautiful.
Vigo Mortenson should win just for putting a cigarette out on his tongue.
Daniel Day Lewis takes it. I haven't really been behind him since Last of the Mohicans which I just remember being hard to hear.
Is it me or are there an inordinate number of non-Americans winning these awards? Is this a harbinger of American Achievement Apathy?

10:42
Best Director...
Wait for it...
Coen Brothers! Awesome. I wonder what Best Picture will be. The AVers seem to think that this might be a year when Director and Picture don't match...

10:47
No Country for Old Men. Best Picture. Now I gotta see the damn thing. And There Will be Blood so I can decide for myself. But, I gotta say. I saw Juno and Atonement and neither one of them deserved it.

10:48
That's it. There you go. Another Oscar night ended. Thank God.

Thank you, and Goodnight.

What's Up in the World Today?

Aside from me being in the most raging bad morning mood ever?

Well, let's see.

Some dude from Wheaton killed his parents and siblings...but not before defrauding his parents out of $100,000+.

Some OTHER dude lit his kids on fire. (This is becoming a frightening trend).

A student at NIU went off his anti-depressants and killed 5 people and then himself.

Obama's wife is being called un-patriotic because she "Wasn't proud of America before".

And it was snowing this morning.

Good God. Where's My Muse???

For real. I haven't been inspired much of late and it is distressing. So, I'm subscribing to the age old method of writing when you have nothing to write about.

....

Ok, I literally just sat there for about a minute, had a sip of coffee and realized, oops. I'm supposed to be fucking WRITING something.

Yup, zoned out just then too.

It's almost as if the cold has frozen me into apathy. I can't muster the energy to express my shock upon learning of an excommunication from the Catholic Church as late as 1988. In the United States no less!

Fun Fact: Divorced and remarried folk cannot receive Holy Communion. Unless they've received special dispensation from the Holy See (read: The Vatican) in the form of an annulment. So much for changing with the times, eh Catholicism?

I can't bring myself to talk about my Adventures in Cake Baking yesterday when I managed to MacGuyver together from scratch, a German Chocolate cake in a kitchen/dining room/living room space with no counter space save a small table, a small butcher-block situation from Ikea and a kitchen chair.

It's too much to ask me to share with you my thoughts on ...I can't even remember what I was going to write here.

My coffee is on its way to getting cold.
There's a passage in 1984 that goes into great detail about the taste and texture of the gin they drink.
One word stands out: Oily.
I could swear the coffee is described that way. I'm not quite sure what that would taste like. And I wonder if sometimes, I am drinking oily coffee.

To that end, Grapes of Wrath is one of the best books in terms of sense memory/sense recall. Seriously. Check it out. And then tell me if you can't smell the biscuits or coffee or fried ham Ma Joad cooks up in the boxcar they're living in at one point.

I did a term paper on Ma Joad in high school. I can't remember what the thesis was.

I've been reading "The Autobiography of Henry XIII". It's about a billion pages long, and after reading and re-reading Phillipa Gregory's take on all things Henry/Katherine/Mary/Elizabeth, I think I officially know more about the Tudor Dynasty than any one person not wearing tweed and elbow patches and smelling of moth balls should. Go ahead, ask me a question.

After watching the first episode of Breaking Bad, I was plagued with nightmares about Meth Labs all night.

I wish I knew how to ride a motorcycle. I hope to one day own a Vespa and then move up from there.

I want to end this somehow. I'm not sure how. The whole entry is crap anyway, but maybe it will point me towards more interesting fare at some point.

We'll see.

Oh, that was good.

A Healthy Valentine's Day WITH a Boyfriend!

Sweet!

For serious. The last Valentine's Day I spent with a boyfriend heralded the WORST case of bronchitis I've ever had, ever. It was horrible.

So, now, I have a wonderful man to rent a movie with and eat good food that I cook for him that he loves.

It's pretty f-ing awesome.

I just...

EVERYTHING IS GRAY.
Seriously.
I absolutely hate winter. HATE it.
And February and March are the worst of it.
It's fucking freezing, everything is covered in salty dead colored muck.

ew.

American Bureaucracy Can Eat Me.

In order to get proof of Identification in this country, one must HAVE proof of indentification. So, what to do when all your forms of ID are either expired or lost, or stolen.

Try going to get a new Social Security Card without a valid Driver's License. Go ahead. I dare you. Because they will tell you to fuck off. And when you tell them that you need a SS Card to GET a Driver's License, they'll ask you for a State ID. For which you ALSO need a SS card.

This was the BEST part though. When I told her that my passport had been lost but that I just got a call that it was found, but that I had cancelled it, do you know what she said?
AND I QUOTE:

"You shouldn't have told me that. If you had kept that to yourself I could have helped you out. Our records don't know that your passport is cancelled."

....excuse me. I'm sorry. What?????

Did you just SCOLD me for rendering myself incapable of DEFRAUDING THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA???
In the same breath (when I asked her why my forms of ID weren't good enough) she said "We're just trying to protect your identity."

I had on my person:
1 Birth Certificate
1 Expired Driver's License
1 Insurance Card
Various pieces of mail with my name and address
3 Credit Cards

None of which were good enough to prove that I am who I am.

But hey, apparently, my cancelled passport could have still gotten me places.
Awesome.

Welcome, Terrorists. Ask for Mrs. Miller when you get here. She'll totally hook you up.

Why?

Apparently the new goal for Superbowl pre-show is to make it more "Hollywood" and glamorous.

Why?

Football is supposed to be for the common man.
Do you honestly think that real honest to goodness football fans want a red carpet situation hosted by Ryan Seacrest out in front of the last game of the season?
I think Hollywood gets quite enough attention as it is. Or perhaps it's that all their award shows are getting cancelled due to the Writer's strike and they're stamping their feet about it.

Well Hollywood, it's football. There is no place for you there.

So, you can just go fuck right off.